Lori Gottlieb

The irony of the story is that we both launched our anger at the wrong target.

Our younger selves think in terms of a beginning, middle, and some kind of resolution. But somewhere along the way—perhaps in that middle—we realize that everyone lives with things that may not get worked out.

Sometimes through loss we find our own new ways of being. And that’s just as meaningful as what we once thought we wanted.

Given that I’m a therapist, you’d think that the morning after the Boyfriend Incident, it might occur to me to see a therapist myself.

Sometimes when I see people out in the world... I ask back in session what the experience was like for them.

It’s impossible to get to know people deeply and not come to like them.

There’s a difference between pain and suffering. ...You’re not choosing the pain, but you’re choosing the suffering.

You won’t get today back.

Sometimes people needed to accept themselves and others the way they were. But sometimes in order to feel better, you need a mirror held up to you, and not the mirror that makes you look pretty.

Therapists go to therapists... one of the most important steps in therapy is helping people take responsibility for their current predicaments.

The only way to get to the other side of the tunnel is to go through it, not around it.

We think we make bucket lists to ward off regret, but really they help us to ward off death. After all, the longer our bucket lists are, the more time we imagine we have left to accomplish everything on them.

Most people don’t have lives that go exactly as planned. Even if you’re lucky enough to be traveling to Italy, you might experience canceled flights and horrible weather.

The truth as I see it, is not that I’m an idiot or you’re an asshole, but that sometimes, in order to protect yourself, you act like one.

There’s a difference between pain and suffering. You’re not choosing the pain, but you’re choosing the suffering.

If we spend the present trying to fix the past or control the future, we remain stuck in place.

What makes therapy challenging is that it requires people to see themselves in ways they normally choose not to.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

You want to mute the pain? You’ll also mute the joy.

I didn’t want to lose the person behind the diagnosis.

Do I want advice (counseling) or self-understanding (therapy)?

Therapists can take their patients only as far as they’ve gone in their own inner lives.

I don’t want to leave behind my equivalent of Boyfriend’s email.

In movies, therapist silences have become a cliché, but it’s only in silence that people can truly hear themselves.

The inability to say yes, however—to intimacy, a job opportunity, an alcohol program—is more about lack of trust in oneself.

You’re not choosing the pain, but you’re choosing the suffering.

Therapy strives to teach you how to tell the two apart.

In trying to convince him how trapped I was, I left him feeling trapped as well, imprisoned by my perceived imprisonment.

It’s only in silence that people can truly hear themselves.

The truth as I see it, is not that I’m an idiot or you’re an asshole but that sometimes in order to protect yourself, you act like one.

Maybe happiness is sometimes.

Resistance is a therapist’s friend. Don’t fight it—follow it.

It’s the rare parent who, however limited, deep down doesn’t want his or her child to have a good life.

Love can often look like so many things that don’t seem like love.

Part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself—to let go of the limiting stories you’ve told yourself about who you are so that you aren’t trapped by them, so you can live your life and not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life.

People wanted a speedy solution to their problems, but what if their moods had been driven down in the first place by the hurried pace of their lives?

Pain is pain. Suffering shouldn’t be ranked, because pain is not a contest.

One of the most important steps in therapy is helping people take responsibility for their current predicaments, because once they realize that they can (and must) construct their own lives, they’re free to generate change.

There’s no hierarchy of pain. Suffering shouldn’t be ranked because pain is not a contest.

Just because she sends you guilt doesn’t mean you have to accept delivery.

The more you welcome your vulnerability, the less afraid you’ll feel.

Freedom involves responsibility, and there’s a part of most of us that finds responsibility frightening.

Honesty with Self and Others

The book reveals the importance of being truthful with oneself and others as a foundation for personal growth and meaningful relationships. Lori Gottlieb emphasizes that self-reflection and confronting uncomfortable truths are pivotal in therapy. For example, Julie grapples with challenging questions during her terminal illness, realizing that honest self-reflection fosters a deeper understanding of her emotions. 'Acknowledge them, and you’ll grow,' Gottlieb reassures, underscoring how confronting difficult truths can lead to personal growth.

Embracing Vulnerability

Gottlieb elucidates the transformative power of vulnerability in therapy, showing how opening up can lead to deeper emotional connections and healing. John’s journey reflects this, as he shows hesitation yet experiences profound relief and happiness when he gradually becomes more vulnerable. 'The happiest I’ve been in a long time,' he admits, highlighting how vulnerability plays a crucial role in mending fragmented relationships.

The Significance of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is repeatedly highlighted as crucial for emotional well-being. Lori learns to be kind to herself through Wendell’s guidance, which helps her process her emotions more effectively. 'How about we agree that you’ll be kind to yourself while you’re in here?' Wendell suggests, illustrating how self-kindness can encourage healthier emotional processing and personal growth.

Therapy as a Safe Space

The essence of therapy as a safe space where people can truly be themselves is a recurrent theme. Lori portrays therapy rooms as unique environments where patients can experience uninterrupted 50 minutes of genuine human interaction. 'The therapy room seemed to be one of the only places left where two people sit in a room together,' she observes, emphasizing that this sanctuary from distractions allows deeper exploration and healing.

Navigating Relationship Dynamics

The book delves into the intricate dynamics of relationships, illustrating how issues like unresolved childhood trauma and personality disorders impact interactions. Lori's work with John reveals how his irritability might stem from his childhood, showcasing the need for compassionate understanding of such underlying issues. 'He somehow got the message not to show weakness at six years old when his mother died,' she reflects, highlighting how personal history affects present behavior.

Balancing Professional and Personal Life

Gottlieb discusses the challenge of maintaining a balance between professional duties and personal life. The anecdotes of therapists dealing with their own struggles while helping patients underline the necessity of separating personal issues from professional responsibilities. 'Therapists can take their patients only as far as they’ve gone in their own inner lives,' she writes, emphasizing the importance of personal healing to aid others effectively.

Embrace Humor to Cope with Difficulties

Sometimes, humor can provide immense relief even in tough times. Don’t shy away from finding and appreciating moments of levity.

Explore and Apply Therapeutic Insights

Use the insights gained from therapy or self-reflection to make real-world changes. Value action over mere recognition of problems.

Foster Authentic Conversations

When talking to someone dealing with serious issues such as terminal illness, avoid empty platitudes and allow yourself to be genuinely expressive, providing more comfort and connection.

Acknowledge and Confront Ruminations

If you notice yourself ruminating over past hurts, recognize this pattern and seek to address the deeper issues contributing to this behavior.

If they can see themselves more clearly through our reflections, we can see ourselves more clearly through theirs.

The opposite of depression isn’t happiness, but vitality.

The irony of the story is that we both launched our anger at the wrong target.

Our younger selves think in terms of a beginning, middle, and some kind of resolution. But somewhere along the way—perhaps in that middle—we realize that everyone lives with things that may not get worked out.

Sometimes through loss we find our own new ways of being. And that’s just as meaningful as what we once thought we wanted.

Given that I’m a therapist, you’d think that the morning after the Boyfriend Incident, it might occur to me to see a therapist myself.

Sometimes when I see people out in the world... I ask back in session what the experience was like for them.

It’s impossible to get to know people deeply and not come to like them.

There’s a difference between pain and suffering. ...You’re not choosing the pain, but you’re choosing the suffering.

You won’t get today back.

Sometimes people needed to accept themselves and others the way they were. But sometimes in order to feel better, you need a mirror held up to you, and not the mirror that makes you look pretty.

Therapists go to therapists... one of the most important steps in therapy is helping people take responsibility for their current predicaments.

The only way to get to the other side of the tunnel is to go through it, not around it.

We think we make bucket lists to ward off regret, but really they help us to ward off death. After all, the longer our bucket lists are, the more time we imagine we have left to accomplish everything on them.

Most people don’t have lives that go exactly as planned. Even if you’re lucky enough to be traveling to Italy, you might experience canceled flights and horrible weather.

The truth as I see it, is not that I’m an idiot or you’re an asshole, but that sometimes, in order to protect yourself, you act like one.

There’s a difference between pain and suffering. You’re not choosing the pain, but you’re choosing the suffering.

If we spend the present trying to fix the past or control the future, we remain stuck in place.

What makes therapy challenging is that it requires people to see themselves in ways they normally choose not to.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

You want to mute the pain? You’ll also mute the joy.

I didn’t want to lose the person behind the diagnosis.

Do I want advice (counseling) or self-understanding (therapy)?

Therapists can take their patients only as far as they’ve gone in their own inner lives.

I don’t want to leave behind my equivalent of Boyfriend’s email.

In movies, therapist silences have become a cliché, but it’s only in silence that people can truly hear themselves.

The inability to say yes, however—to intimacy, a job opportunity, an alcohol program—is more about lack of trust in oneself.

You’re not choosing the pain, but you’re choosing the suffering.

Therapy strives to teach you how to tell the two apart.

In trying to convince him how trapped I was, I left him feeling trapped as well, imprisoned by my perceived imprisonment.

It’s only in silence that people can truly hear themselves.

The truth as I see it, is not that I’m an idiot or you’re an asshole but that sometimes in order to protect yourself, you act like one.

Maybe happiness is sometimes.

Resistance is a therapist’s friend. Don’t fight it—follow it.

It’s the rare parent who, however limited, deep down doesn’t want his or her child to have a good life.

Love can often look like so many things that don’t seem like love.

Part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself—to let go of the limiting stories you’ve told yourself about who you are so that you aren’t trapped by them, so you can live your life and not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life.

People wanted a speedy solution to their problems, but what if their moods had been driven down in the first place by the hurried pace of their lives?

Pain is pain. Suffering shouldn’t be ranked, because pain is not a contest.

One of the most important steps in therapy is helping people take responsibility for their current predicaments, because once they realize that they can (and must) construct their own lives, they’re free to generate change.

There’s no hierarchy of pain. Suffering shouldn’t be ranked because pain is not a contest.

Just because she sends you guilt doesn’t mean you have to accept delivery.

The more you welcome your vulnerability, the less afraid you’ll feel.

Freedom involves responsibility, and there’s a part of most of us that finds responsibility frightening.

If they can see themselves more clearly through our reflections, we can see ourselves more clearly through theirs.

The opposite of depression isn’t happiness, but vitality.