How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

All feelings can be accepted but certain actions must be restricted.

Don’t bullshit them when you don’t know something; encourage them to ask friends or family who might have a better answer.

Complex questions are an opportunity to explore something, so don’t brush them off with oversimplified answers. Ask them why they asked and what they think.

Encourage Autonomy and Self-Confidence

Bad Behavior Is a Problem, Not a Character Flaw

Instead of Punishing, Encourage Cooperation

View the situation they’re in from their perspective as opposed to your own, and they won’t see you as part of the problem that they’re acting out over.

Show them that you’re tuned in to how they feel with non-judgmental verbal cues: “I see that shoelace is giving you a hard time.”

Imagine complaining to a friend about something at work and they respond by a) blaming you; b) questioning your reaction; c) offering unsolicited advice; d) offering fake pity; e) psychoanalyzing you — you’d probably be annoyed. So, yeah. Don’t do that to your kid.

Children don’t need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged.

Resist the temptation to “make better” instantly. Instead of giving advice, continue to accept and reflect on your child’s feelings.

When we acknowledge a child’s feelings, we do him a great service. We put him in touch with his inner reality. And once he’s clear about that reality, he gathers the strength to begin to cope.

Actually hearing yourself represents progress. It’s the first step toward making changes.

By punishing a child we actually deprive him of the very important inner process of facing his own misbehavior.

We have to stop thinking of the child as a 'problem' that needs correction.

We are teaching our children that they needn’t be our victims or our enemies.

We are giving them the tools that will enable them to be active participants in solving the problems that confront them.

Popcorn is all over the car. That needs a vacuum.

Instead of evaluating her, I observed, 'There was popcorn all over the car and now I don’t see one piece.

A girl who is responsible, who works well with others, who obeys the rules, who is respectful of others, who reads fourth-grade books but is only in third grade—she won’t be afraid of what’s not there!

If you labeled a child as a slow learner, he could begin to see himself as a slow learner.

I know you can sit still for five minutes.

It must have been irritating for you to have to wait so long for me.

Neil, Mrs. Osgood told me you picked her tulips.

When I go out of my way to buy something special for my daughter, what I’d like to hear is: 'Thanks, Mom.

Never underestimate the power of your words upon a young person’s life!

Boy, I can see by the way you’re wrinkling your nose how much you hate even the thought of taking that medicine.

I don’t want us even to think about consequences. Right now we need to figure out how to make sure our dog gets healthy and stays healthy.

But’ feels like a door slammed in your face. ‘The problem is’ opens the door and invites you to consider a possible solution.

It is our conviction that the child who is misbehaving does not need to be banished from the members of his family, even temporarily.

The point is, some things are easier to swallow if someone understands how hard it is for you, and if you have a small say in how it goes down.

Praise generously, but wisely. Be specific and descriptive when doling it out; instead of “You’re a great artist!” try “I like how the zig-zags follow the squiggles — how did you think of that?”

This is just too much! . . . How frustrating!