Never Split the difference

One of the most important goals in a negotiation is to create a "mutual win" where both parties feel that they have achieved their desired outcomes.

I suggest you let the other side anchor monetary negotiations.

When negotiators tell their counterparts about their deadline, they get better deals.

The sweetest two words in any negotiation are actually “That’s right.”

Saying “No” makes the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control, so trigger it.

Gun for a “Yes” straight off the bat, though, and your counterpart gets defensive, wary, and skittish.

And a commitment “yes” is the real deal; it’s a true agreement that leads to action, a “yes” at the table that ends with a signature on the contract.

A confirmation “yes” is generally innocent, a reflexive response to a black-or-white question; it’s sometimes used to lay a trap but mostly it’s just simple affirmation with no promise of action.

Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.

And when I make a mistake—something that happens a lot—I always acknowledge the other person’s anger. I’ve found the phrase “Look, I’m an asshole” to be an amazingly effective way to make problems go away.

Exposing negative thoughts to daylight—“It looks like you don’t want to go back to jail”—makes them seem less frightening.

By repeating back what people say, you trigger this mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.

Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making. If we’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard and we risk undermining the rapport and trust we’ve built.

The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need (monetarily, emotionally, or otherwise) and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk some more about what they want.

By listening intensely, a negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing.

Do not compromise. We compromise not because it’s right, but because it’s easy and saves face.

Use a summary to trigger a that’s right. The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, rearticulate, and emotionally affirm "the world according to . . ."

"That’s right" is better than “yes." Strive for it. Reaching "that’s right" in a negotiation creates breakthroughs.

The moment you’ve convinced someone that you truly understand her dreams and feelings (the whole world that she inhabits), mental and behavioral change becomes possible, and the foundation for a breakthrough has been laid.

The sweetest two words in any negotiation are “that’s right."

If a potential business partner is ignoring you, contact them with a clear and concise “No”-oriented question that suggests that you are ready to walk away. “Have you given up on this project?” works wonders.

Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea. So don’t beat them with logic or brute force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you.

Saying “No" makes the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control, so trigger it. By saying what they don’t want, your counterpart defines their space and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to you. That’s why "Is now a bad time to talk?" is always better than "Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

People have a need to say, “No." So don’t just hope to hear it at some point; get them to say it early.

Validates someone else’s emotion, allows them to feel heard, allows you to create a sense of safety and understanding. Diffuses the power of the emotion over the conversation. “It seems like, it sounds like, or it looks like…”

Don’t go too fast. Trust comes from slowing down and taking the time to pause with someone – making sure they don’t feel rushed.

If you want to calm the voice in someone else’s head and get them to let their guard down, focus 100% of your attention on listening to them and actually hearing what they have to say.

Variation of “How am I supposed to do that?” helps create doubt, gets them negotiating against themselves.

Any response that’s not an outright rejection of your offer means you have the edge.

Try this the next time you have to apologize for a bone-headed mistake. Go right at it. The fastest and most efficient means of establishing a quick working relationship is to acknowledge the negative and diffuse it.

The last rule of labeling is silence. Once you’ve thrown out a label, be quiet and listen.

Labeling is a way of validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging it. Give someone’s emotion a name and you show you identify with how that person feels.

Empathy is paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world.

To mirror, just repeat the last three words (or the most important 1-3 words) of what someone has just said.

Use the Late-Night, FM DJ Voice: deep, soft, slow, and reassuring, and the positive/playful voice–the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person.

You should engage in negotiation with a mindset of discovery - with hypotheses you’re looking to disprove. The goal is to extract as much information as possible. (Beginner’s mind)

People want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, and most effective way to get there.

Most of us have been trained to predict based on past experience. But the problem with that is that most of us do it badly.

Things happen that we were previously taught could not happen, or never thought of as happening.

In every negotiation, both sides possess at least three Black Swans, three pieces of information that if discovered by the other side would change everything.

You have to open up your established pathways and embrace more intuitive and nuanced ways of listening.

Leverage is the ability to inflict loss and withhold gain.

Being honest about what one wants and what one can—and cannot—do.

Let what you know—your known knowns—guide you but not blind you.

Work to understand the other side’s 'religion.

Black Swans are leverage multipliers.

Every negotiation, every conversation, every moment of life, is a series of small conflicts that, managed well, can rise to creative beauty.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

Empathy is the ability to see the world through the eyes of another and to understand their feelings.

The most important thing in negotiation is not to win but to build a relationship.

The best way to handle complaints is to make them public.

The secret of getting people to agree with you is to get them to think it was their idea in the first place.

A counterfeit “yes” is one in which your counterpart plans on saying “no” but either feels “yes” is an easier escape route or just wants to disingenuously keep the conversation going to obtain more information or some other kind of edge.

Creating unconditional positive regard opens the door to changing thoughts and behaviors. Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behavior. The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold.

Performing an accusation audit in advance prepares you to head off negative dynamics before they take root. And because these accusations often sound exaggerated when said aloud, speaking them will encourage the other person to claim that quite the opposite is true.