The Defining Decade

The twenties are that critical period of adulthood. These are the years when it will be easiest to start the lives we want. And no matter what we do, the twenties are an inflection point—the great reorganization—a time when the experiences we have disproportionately influence the adult lives we will lead.

Identity capital is our collection of personal assets. It is the repertoire of individual resources that we assemble over time. These are the investments we make in ourselves, the things we do well enough, or long enough, that they become a part of who we are.

Studies have repeatedly found that couples who are similar in areas such as socioeconomic status, education, age, ethnicity , religion, attractiveness, attitudes, values, and intelligence are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships and are less likely to seek divorce.

I thought if I didn’t participate in adulthood, time would stop. But it didn’t. It just kept going. People around me kept going.Now I see I need to get going —and keep going.

With about 80 percent of life’s most significant events taking place by age thirty-five, as thirtysomethings and beyond we largely either continue with, or correct for, the moves we made during our twentysomething years.

To a great extent, our lives are decided by far-reaching twentysomething moments we may not realize are happening at all.

The twentysomething years are real time and ought to be lived that way.

We imagine that if nothing happens in our twenties then everything is still possible in our thirties. We think that by avoiding decisions now, we keep all of our options open for later— but not making choices is a choice all the same.

Real confidence comes from mastery experiences.

About two-thirds of lifetime wage growth happens in the first ten years of a career. On average, salaries peak—and plateau—in our forties.

I always advise twentysomethings to take the job with the most capital.

Yes is how you get your first job, and your next job, and your spouse, and even your kids. Even if it’s a bit edgy, a bit out of your comfort zone, saying yes means you will do something new, meet someone new, and make a difference. —Eric Schmidt, executive chairman of Google

This book, like most things in adulthood, came to be because of what is called the strength of weak ties.

But while the urban tribe helps us survive, it does not help us thrive. The urban tribe may bring us soup when we are sick, but it is the people we hardly know—those who never make it into our tribe—who will swiftly and dramatically change our lives for the better.

There is a certain terror that goes along with saying 'My life is up to me.' It is scary to realize there’s no magic, you can’t just wait around, no one can really rescue you, and you have to do something.

Being confused about choices is nothing more than hoping that maybe there is a way to get through life without taking charge.

The more terrifying uncertainty is wanting something but not knowing how to get it. It is working toward something even though there is no sure thing.

Not making choices isn’t safe. The consequences are just further away in time, like in your thirties or forties.

Contrary to what we see and hear, reaching your potential isn’t even something that usually happens in your twenties—it happens in your thirties or forties or fifties.

An identity or a career cannot be built around what you don’t want. We have to shift from a negative identity, or a sense of what I’m not, to a positive one, or a sense of what I am.

In the twenty-first century, careers and lives don’t roll off an assembly line. We have to put together the pieces ourselves.

Twentysomethings who don’t get started wind up with blank résumés and out-of-touch lives only to settle far more down the road.

As a twentysomething, life is still more about potential than proof. Those who can tell a good story about who they are and what they want leap over those who can’t.

Life does not need to be linear but it does, as this executive said, need to make sense.

Claiming a career or getting a good job isn’t the end; it’s the beginning. And, then, there is still a lot more to know and a lot more to do.

When life has been bad, someone goes to see a therapist because even though things look pretty on the outside the person feels horrible on the inside, and this is a discrepancy that even many therapists cannot hold.

Too often, being successful when you are young is about survival. Some people are good at hiding their troubles. They are good at “falling up."

What no one tells twentysomethings like Emma is that finally, and suddenly, they can pick their own families—they can create their own families—and these are the families that life will be about.

Couples who 'live together first' are actually less satisfied with their marriages and more likely to divorce than couples who do not. This is what sociologists call the cohabitation effect.

Even simply having goals can make us happier.

I am not for or against living together, but I am for twentysomethings knowing that, far from safeguarding against divorce, moving in with someone increases your chances of locking in on someone, whether he or she is right for you or not.

The stories we tell about ourselves become facets of our identity. They reveal our unique complexity.

Life stories with themes of ruin can trap us. Life stories that are triumphant can transform us.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.

Neuroticism, or the tendency to be anxious, stressed, critical, and moody , is far more predictive of relationship unhappiness and dissolution than is personal ity dissimilarity.

I’m challengin g you to be picky about things that might matter in twenty years, such as extreme differences in values or goals or personality —or whether you love each other. But the differences you’re sounding off about seem like everyday discrepancies that are part of any real relationship.

You’ll never know with complete certainty . That’ s why marriage is a commitment, not a guarantee.

The same way you make any decision. You weigh the evidence and you listen to yourself. The trick for you is going to be to listen to what matters, not to every single thing that makes you dissatisfied or anxious.

The biggest talk came after my best friend sent me this big bunch of lilies. I was upset Matt didn’ t do something like that. He got angry and pointed out how she hadn’ t even been over to my apartment to help but he’d done everything he could to take care of me. I realized Matt was right. He’d done everything for me, no complaints. I realized I’m the complainer and he doesn’ t even complain about that.

The frontal lobe is where we move beyond the futile search for black-and-white solutions as we learn to tolerate—and act on—better shades of gray .

Twentysomethings who don’t feel anxious and incompetent at work are usually overconfident or underemployed.

As we age, we feel less like leaves and more like trees. We have roots that ground us and sturdy trunks that may sway, but don’t break, in the wind.

Confidence doesn’t come from the inside out. It moves from the outside in. People feel less anxious—and more confident—on the inside when they can point to things they have done well on the outside.

A more resilient confidence comes from succeeding—and from surviving some failures.

They have found that a large part of what makes people good—and even great—at what they do is time in. For the most part, “naturals” are myths. People who are especially good at something may have some innate inclination, or some particular talent, but they have also spent about ten thousand hours practicing or doing that thing.

Knowing you want to do something isn’t the same as knowing how to do it, and even knowing how to do something isn’t the same as actually doing it well. The real challenge of the twenty something years is the work itself.

Our personalities change more during the twentysomething years than at any time before or after.

Goals are how we declare who we are and who we want to be. They are how we structure our years and our lives. Goals have been called the building blocks of adult personality, and it is worth considering that who you will be in your thirties and beyond is being built out of the goals you are setting for yourself today.

Many cultures make use of memento mori to remind us of our mortality, the skeletons and dying flowers often represented in art or on display in the marketplace. They need memento vivi —or ways to remember they are going to live.

The best part about getting older is knowing how your life worked out.

Stable relationships help twentysomethings feel more secure and responsible.