Lysa TerKeurst

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

God isn’t ever going to forsake you, but He will go to great lengths to remake you.

Dangerous desires birthed inside our unsettled disappointments are nothing but a setup for a takedown.

Shattering and dust in our lives—when surrendered to the Lord can result in making our faith more genuine and bring about more praise, glory, and honor to God.

God isn’t expecting perfection. He just wants us perfectly surrendered to His way and His Word.

Truth is what I will build the foundation of my life upon! Yes, my heart belongs to the Lord and I fully trust in Him, even when my feelings beg me to doubt His goodness.

Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.

God’s love isn’t based on me. It’s simply placed on me. And it’s the place from which I should live... loved.

The breaking of you will be the making of you.

What we see will violate what we know unless what we know dictates what we see.

People who care more about being right than ending right prove just how wrong they were all along.

We must feel the pain to heal the pain.

Acceptance is like an antibiotic that prevents past rejections from turning into present-day infections.

I fight from victory, not for victory. You have already won.

Only when we seek to apply His revelations to our situations will we experience transformation.

The peace of our souls does not rise and fall with unpredictable people or situations. Our feelings will shift, of course. People do affect us. But the peace of our souls is tethered to all that God is.

Not in my presence will you talk about yourself in this way.

Healing Requires Shifting Focus From Others to Oneself

Lysa TerKeurst emphasizes that true healing from past hurts cannot depend on expecting others to make things right. She asserts, 'My ability to heal cannot depend on anyone’s choices but my own.' By taking responsibility for one's own healing, a person can begin to see hope and possibilities rather than remaining mired in anger and bitterness. This principle emerges from TerKeurst’s realization that expecting resolution or apologies from those who hurt her only prolongs her pain and delays her healing.

Forgiveness as a Choice and Ongoing Process

Forgiveness, according to TerKeurst, is both a decisive moment and a continual journey. She details this dual nature by differentiating between the initial decision to forgive specific facts and the prolonged process of forgiving the emotional impact of those facts. TerKeurst notes, 'The decision to forgive acknowledges the facts of what happened. But the much longer journey of forgiveness is around all the many ways these facts affected you—the impact they created.' Through vivid examples of her own experiences, she illustrates how forgiveness of deep hurts requires time and repeated effort.

Setting Boundaries for Personal Well-Being

One key idea Lysa TerKeurst emphasizes is the importance of setting and maintaining boundaries in relationships for one's mental and spiritual health. 'It’s for the sake of your sanity that you draw necessary boundaries,' she asserts, highlighting that boundaries are not intended to push others away but to keep oneself whole. By evaluating when and how to interact with people, acknowledging one's limitations, and communicating boundaries clearly, individuals can protect their well-being without feeling guilty or overwhelmed.

Trusting God's Provision

Another central theme is the concept of trusting God's provision, even when it doesn't resemble what we expect or desire. TerKeurst narrates her frustration and eventual insight regarding a family investment venture she initially opposed. Through this experience, she learned to view the seemingly unfavorable situation as God's answered prayer. She explains, 'If God isn’t giving His provision to us in the way we expect right now, then we must trust there’s something God knows that we don’t know.' This realization emphasizes the importance of relinquishing control and trusting that God’s plans for us, though sometimes confusing or painful, are inherently good.

The Role of Compassion in Forgiveness

The author emphasizes that understanding the pain of others can transform feelings of anger and resentment into compassion, facilitating forgiveness. She illustrates this by reflecting on the hurt caused by others and realizing that their actions may stem from their unresolved pain. She thoughtfully notes, 'The hurt they caused was most likely from hurt they carried...It doesn’t justify their actions, but it does help me have compassion for the hurt they have surely suffered.' This insight demonstrates that compassion can be a powerful tool in breaking the cycle of pain and fostering healing.

Embracing Disappointment as a Path to Growth

Lysa TerKeurst emphasizes that disappointment is not just a negative experience but a crucial opportunity for spiritual growth and deeper connection with God. She writes, 'Disappointment isn’t proof that God is withholding good things from us. Sometimes it’s His way of leading us Home.' By viewing disappointments as divine opportunities, readers are encouraged to develop resilience, trust, and faith. This perspective helps transform setbacks into stepping stones for personal and spiritual development.

The Necessity of Wrestling Between Faith and Feelings

The book highlights the constant struggle between our feelings and our faith, asserting that both perspectives are real and significant. Lysa explains, 'Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like.' This internal struggle, described as 'wrestling well,' is crucial. By acknowledging our emotions but allowing faith to guide us, we can navigate through life's disappointments and challenges more effectively.

Trusting God's Plan Through Trials

TerKeurst underscores the importance of trusting God’s timing and plans, even when they seem unclear or painful. She shares, 'If I want His promises, I have to trust His process.' Despite our desire for control, peace comes from relinquishing it to God and trusting that even disappointments could be divine appointments. This trust process involves believing that God uses even our most challenging times to pursue a deeper connection with us and bring about His greater purposes.

Forgiveness as a Path to Emotional Freedom

The chapter emphasizes that forgiveness liberates individuals from the emotional and spiritual burdens imposed by those who have hurt them. This process is not about excusing harmful behavior but about freeing oneself from the chains of resentment and bitterness. TerKeurst writes, 'Making the decision that the ones who hurt you no longer get to limit you, label you, or project the lies they believe about themselves onto you,' encapsulates this core idea. Through forgiveness, individuals can reclaim their lives and move forward without being weighed down by past offenses.

Embrace the Complexity of Forgiveness

TerKeurst stresses that forgiveness is more than a personal resolve; it’s about collaborating with a grace already present. She states, 'Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination. Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation.' This reframing of forgiveness as a cooperative act rather than a solo endeavor can significantly ease the emotional weight of the process. By understanding that forgiveness involves divine assistance, individuals can find it less burdensome and more achievable.

Identify and Verbalize Hurts

Make a list of specific grievances to clearly see the facts of your pain. This action helps in acknowledging the reality of the hurt and is the first step towards forgiveness.

Separate Healing from Others’ Actions

Work on your healing independently from the actions and attitudes of those who hurt you. Understand that others’ lack of remorse or resolution does not hinder your capability to forgive and heal.

Create Marked Moments

When forgiving, create specific moments or rituals to mark the decision, such as verbally acknowledging forgiveness of each hurt and symbolically covering it. This reinforces the commitment and helps in internalizing the process of forgiveness.

Reassess Boundaries Regularly

Periodically re-evaluate your boundaries with the help of trusted advisors to ensure they align with your current spiritual capacity and maturity. Stay flexible and open to adjustments as needed.

Practice Vulnerability

Engage in open and honest conversations with your partner or loved ones. Share your true feelings and listen with empathy to create deeper emotional connections.

Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination. Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation.

My ability to heal cannot depend on anyone’s choices but my own.

The decision to forgive acknowledges the facts of what happened. But the much longer journey of forgiveness is around all the many ways these facts affected you—the impact they created.

What we look for is what we will see. What we see determines our perspective. And our perspective becomes our reality.

Today is my day to stop the grim, hopeless pursuit of expecting the other person to make this right so that I can receive the glorious hope-filled possibilities of this new day.

If we risk being open, we risk being hurt... But what if, instead of fearing what might be taken from us, we decided that everything lost makes us more complete, not less?

It’s for the sake of your sanity that you draw necessary boundaries.

As we grow with Christ, our capacity for compassion should have the propensity to expand.

Forgiveness is always healing in the right direction. Even if you don’t know whether to turn left or right, looking up to God is where real hope can be found.

God’s faithfulness isn’t demonstrated by His activity aligning with your prayers. It’s your prayers aligning with His faithfulness and His will where you become more and more assured of His activity.

My peace has been held hostage by their refusal to apologize for long enough.

The sign of progress isn’t the ability never to get hurt or offended… The sign of progress is to let the pain work for you instead of against you.

The experiences I have affect the perceptions I form. The perceptions I form eventually become the beliefs I carry. The beliefs I carry determine what I see.

When we don’t go through this process and can’t see anything but a darkened reality, it’s hard to let go and move on.

The Power of Surrender

Lysa reassures that God's expectation is not for us to achieve perfection but to exhibit perfect surrender to His ways and words. 'God isn’t expecting perfection. He just wants us perfectly surrendered to His way and His Word,' she writes. This surrender is about aligning one’s life with God’s truth and guidance rather than trying to meet an impossible standard of flawlessness. This approach aids in steering away from the temptations and deceptions of the enemy.

Facing and Disarming Fear

Lysa writes, 'What gives power to all that I fear others are thinking and accusing and saying isn’t the people themselves. It isn’t even the enemy. I’m the one who decides if their statements have power over me or not.' This insight underscores the notion that fear is not rooted in external opinions but in our internal responses to them. She emphasizes the importance of confronting and reducing the power of fear by actively addressing small fears, which translates to building resilience against larger anxieties.

Embracing Imperfection and Showing Compassion

Lysa discusses how in her suffering, creating art became a metaphor for life’s imperfections. 'I could see the imperfections in me and not deem myself worthless.' This idea centers on the importance of self-compassion and understanding that being 'not good enough' is a common attack from the enemy designed to paralyze us. Accepting our flaws allows us to extend greater compassion to ourselves and others, fostering connections and deepening our empathy.

Finding Purpose in Suffering

The narrative delves deeply into the idea of finding purpose in suffering. TerKeurst reflects on her own experiences, stating, 'These hard times, these devastating disappointments, these seasons of suffering are not for nothing. They will grow you. They will shape you.' This idea suggests that suffering, while painful, can lead to significant personal growth, empathy, and a greater capacity for compassion. The hardships we endure can be used to comfort and support others facing similar struggles, thereby giving our suffering a redemptive purpose.

Reduce Distractions

Cut down on activities, online engagements, and superficial conversations to make space for meaningful spiritual and personal activities. Surround yourself with uplifting influences like praise music and honest, supportive friends.

Address Your Fears Incrementally

Start tackling fear by focusing on small, manageable challenges. This approach builds confidence and resilience, making it easier to face larger anxieties over time.

Create with Compassion

Engage in creative activities without aiming for perfection. This practice can boost self-compassion and help you appreciate the beauty in imperfection. It also allows you to connect with others more deeply by letting go of the need for external validation.

Surrender Daily to God's Guidance

Focus not on being perfect but on aligning your actions and decisions with God's teachings each day. This means committing to follow His word and trust His plans, regardless of how difficult circumstances may appear.

Engage with Scripture Regularly

Make a habit of reading, reflecting on, and praying over biblical passages. This practice will help you discern truth from deception and equip you with God's wisdom to handle life's disappointments and trials.

Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like.

Disappointment isn’t proof that God is withholding good things from us. Sometimes it’s His way of leading us Home.

When you live slow for a season, the Son has access to the parts of you normally covered up by everyday put-ons.

What gives power to all that I fear others are thinking and accusing and saying isn’t the people themselves. It isn’t even the enemy. I’m the one who decides if their statements have power over me or not.

I could see the imperfections in me and not deem myself worthless.

We must let God’s Word become the words of our story. I am deeply loved by God, even in my most naked form.

The enemy wants us paralyzed and compromised by what-ifs, opinions, accusations, and misunderstandings.

To dwell well in this life between two gardens requires us to make peace with being naked and unashamed.

When we show up with compassion for others, our own disappointments won’t ring as hollow or sting with sorrow nearly as much.

These hard times, these devastating disappointments, these seasons of suffering are not for nothing. They will grow you. They will shape you.

Identity Rooted in God's Truth

Lysa TerKeurst emphasizes that one's identity should be anchored in God's unchanging nature rather than in life's unpredictable and often painful circumstances. She shares her personal struggles, particularly the rejection she felt from her father's abandonment, to illustrate this point. By aligning one’s identity with God’s truth, individuals can find stability and strength that transcend fleeting feelings and unstable life events. 'The beliefs we hold should hold us up even when life feels like it’s falling apart,' she writes, highlighting the importance of internalizing divine truths over external validations.

Grace Over Bitterness

TerKeurst underscores the importance of choosing grace over bitterness in the face of rejection and loss. She argues that while it's natural to feel anger and crave justice, embracing grace is key to healing. 'Grace given when it feels least deserved is the only antidote for bitter rot,' she explains. By choosing grace, we allow healing and growth to take place even when life doesn't offer us the fairness we crave. This approach helps to prevent bitterness from taking root and allows for emotional and spiritual healing.

The Power of Words

The book highlights the transformative power of words, using the story of Abigail and David to illustrate how divinely inspired words can bring calm and truth to volatile situations. 'Where David's father and Nabal had spoken death, with divinely inspired words Abigail spoke life,' TerKeurst notes. This reinforces the idea that our words, when infused with empathy and understanding, can positively impact others and change the course of events. It’s a call to use our words wisely to heal and build up rather than harm.

Rejection as a Tool for Growth

TerKeurst shares personal anecdotes and biblical insights to illustrate how rejection, though painful, can lead to personal growth and redirection. She recounts her daughter Ashley's academic struggles and subsequent success as an example of how initial failures and rejections can be protective and redemptive in the long run. 'By the end of that year, she was on the dean’s list,' TerKeurst notes, highlighting that setbacks can lead to significant achievements. Rejection forces us to reassess, adapt, and often move towards something better suited for us.

Living Loved

TerKeurst introduces the concept of 'living loved,' which means internalizing God's unconditional love as the foundation of one's self-worth. She points out that many people, in their quest for validation, forget that 'God’s love isn’t based on me. It’s simply placed on me.' This idea posits that recognizing and accepting God's love can shield you from the superficial validation you seek from society. Consequently, instead of experiencing constant rejection or emptiness, your actions and interactions will be grounded in the assurance of being loved by God.

Embracing Pain for Healing

TerKeurst confronts the necessity of facing pain to achieve healing. She asserts that avoiding or numbing pain only prolongs and deepens our suffering. Quoting her own experience, she writes, 'We must feel the pain to heal the pain.' Instead of running from pain, embracing it invites God into our struggles, transforming our desperation into strength and shaping our souls to better withstand future rejections and hardships.

The Corrective Experience

TerKeurst introduces the concept of the 'corrective experience,' which involves revisiting areas of past hurt with new, healing words and actions. She uses the example of Abigail’s interaction with David, where Abigail reassures David of his worth, countering the rejection he felt from his father. 'Her words were gentle, honoring, and life-giving. And most of all, they were filled with God’s truth.' This approach helps to rewrite the narrative of rejection and serves as a profound mechanism for emotional and spiritual healing.

Internalize God’s Truth

Regularly remind yourself of key biblical truths about your identity. Memorize and meditate on verses like Colossians 3:12 to ground yourself in God’s unchanging love and purpose, especially during challenging times.

Choose Grace Actively

When facing rejection, consciously opt for grace over bitterness. Visualize the two boxes mentioned by TerKeurst—the box of bitterness and the box of grace—and choose the latter to prevent bitterness from taking root.

Practice Empathetic Communication

When interacting with others, especially in difficult situations, try to see things from their perspective and find ways to affirm their worth. This empathetic approach can help calm tensions and foster understanding.

Shift Your Perspective on Rejection

Instead of viewing rejection as a personal failure, try to see it as divine redirection. Trust that there’s a bigger plan at play and use this time to prepare for new opportunities that may come your way.

Face Your Pain

Don't run from pain; instead, confront and embrace it. Acknowledge your emotions, and let them lead you closer to God’s comforting presence. This practice invites divine strength, rather than relying on temporary solutions that cannot offer lasting relief.

Live from the abundant place that you are loved, and you won’t find yourself begging others for scraps of love.

Feelings are broken boards. Only truth is solid, unchanging, and stable through and through.

Grace given when it feels least deserved is the only antidote for bitter rot.

The spotlight never fixes our insecurities. It only magnifies what we thought popularity would cover up.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination. Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation.

My ability to heal cannot depend on anyone’s choices but my own.

The decision to forgive acknowledges the facts of what happened. But the much longer journey of forgiveness is around all the many ways these facts affected you—the impact they created.

What we look for is what we will see. What we see determines our perspective. And our perspective becomes our reality.

Today is my day to stop the grim, hopeless pursuit of expecting the other person to make this right so that I can receive the glorious hope-filled possibilities of this new day.

If we risk being open, we risk being hurt... But what if, instead of fearing what might be taken from us, we decided that everything lost makes us more complete, not less?

It’s for the sake of your sanity that you draw necessary boundaries.

As we grow with Christ, our capacity for compassion should have the propensity to expand.

Forgiveness is always healing in the right direction. Even if you don’t know whether to turn left or right, looking up to God is where real hope can be found.

God’s faithfulness isn’t demonstrated by His activity aligning with your prayers. It’s your prayers aligning with His faithfulness and His will where you become more and more assured of His activity.

My peace has been held hostage by their refusal to apologize for long enough.

The sign of progress isn’t the ability never to get hurt or offended… The sign of progress is to let the pain work for you instead of against you.

The experiences I have affect the perceptions I form. The perceptions I form eventually become the beliefs I carry. The beliefs I carry determine what I see.

When we don’t go through this process and can’t see anything but a darkened reality, it’s hard to let go and move on.

God isn’t ever going to forsake you, but He will go to great lengths to remake you.

Dangerous desires birthed inside our unsettled disappointments are nothing but a setup for a takedown.

Shattering and dust in our lives—when surrendered to the Lord can result in making our faith more genuine and bring about more praise, glory, and honor to God.

God isn’t expecting perfection. He just wants us perfectly surrendered to His way and His Word.

Truth is what I will build the foundation of my life upon! Yes, my heart belongs to the Lord and I fully trust in Him, even when my feelings beg me to doubt His goodness.

Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like.

Disappointment isn’t proof that God is withholding good things from us. Sometimes it’s His way of leading us Home.

When you live slow for a season, the Son has access to the parts of you normally covered up by everyday put-ons.

What gives power to all that I fear others are thinking and accusing and saying isn’t the people themselves. It isn’t even the enemy. I’m the one who decides if their statements have power over me or not.

I could see the imperfections in me and not deem myself worthless.

We must let God’s Word become the words of our story. I am deeply loved by God, even in my most naked form.

The enemy wants us paralyzed and compromised by what-ifs, opinions, accusations, and misunderstandings.

To dwell well in this life between two gardens requires us to make peace with being naked and unashamed.

When we show up with compassion for others, our own disappointments won’t ring as hollow or sting with sorrow nearly as much.

These hard times, these devastating disappointments, these seasons of suffering are not for nothing. They will grow you. They will shape you.

Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.

God’s love isn’t based on me. It’s simply placed on me. And it’s the place from which I should live... loved.

The breaking of you will be the making of you.

What we see will violate what we know unless what we know dictates what we see.

People who care more about being right than ending right prove just how wrong they were all along.

We must feel the pain to heal the pain.

Acceptance is like an antibiotic that prevents past rejections from turning into present-day infections.

I fight from victory, not for victory. You have already won.

Only when we seek to apply His revelations to our situations will we experience transformation.

The peace of our souls does not rise and fall with unpredictable people or situations. Our feelings will shift, of course. People do affect us. But the peace of our souls is tethered to all that God is.

Not in my presence will you talk about yourself in this way.

Live from the abundant place that you are loved, and you won’t find yourself begging others for scraps of love.

Feelings are broken boards. Only truth is solid, unchanging, and stable through and through.

Grace given when it feels least deserved is the only antidote for bitter rot.

The spotlight never fixes our insecurities. It only magnifies what we thought popularity would cover up.