How To Win Friends and Influence People

If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business.

This system of self-analysis, self-education, continued year after year, did more for me than any other one thing I have ever attempted.

I will speak ill of no man,' he said, ‘. . . and speak all the good I know of everybody.’ Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.

The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals.

We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem?

In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.

If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.

A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street – both parties benefit.

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.

We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realise that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing . . . and nobody else.

So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

Always make the other person feel important.

The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you realize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.

Little phrases such as ‘I’m sorry to trouble you,’ ‘Would you be so kind as to – ?’ ‘Won’t you please?’ ‘Would you mind?’ ‘Thank you’ – little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life – and incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.

Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,’ and a misunderstanding is never ended by an ar gument but by tact, diplomacy , conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’ s viewpoint.

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are.

When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness.

I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong.

Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.

If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.

A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.

The more ‘Yeses’ we can, at the very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.

Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.

Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.

The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation.

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

An effective leader ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere – not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.

If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realisation of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.

Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behaviour: 1 Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.

By criticising, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.

Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.

A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.’ Your smile is a messenger of your good will.

Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds.

The importance of remembering and using names is not just the prerogative of kings and corporate executives. It works for all of us.

There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.

When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves – let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.

Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.