Adele Faber

Incorporate Humor in Daily Tasks

Use humor and playfulness to make mundane tasks more engaging. For example, turn cleaning up into a game by timing how quickly it can be done or by creating fun characters to make the task more enjoyable.

Acknowledging Children's Feelings

The book emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and validating children's feelings to foster better communication and emotional well-being. When parents dismiss or deny their children's emotions, it can lead to confusion and frustration. For instance, a child saying, 'I'm tired,' and the parent responding, 'You couldn't be tired, you just napped,' invalidates the child's experience. Instead, acknowledging the feeling with a simple, 'So you're still feeling tired even after your nap,' can make a significant difference. This approach helps children trust their own perceptions and feel more secure in expressing themselves. 'When kids feel right, they’ll behave right. How do we help them to feel right? By accepting their feelings!'

Engage in Problem-Solving Discussions

When faced with a recurring issue, involve your child in a problem-solving discussion. For example, if a child frequently disrupts class, discuss possible solutions like changing seats or setting study goals. This collaborative approach empowers the child to be part of the solution.

Actually hearing yourself represents progress. It’s the first step toward making changes.

By punishing a child we actually deprive him of the very important inner process of facing his own misbehavior.

We have to stop thinking of the child as a 'problem' that needs correction.

We are teaching our children that they needn’t be our victims or our enemies.

We are giving them the tools that will enable them to be active participants in solving the problems that confront them.

Popcorn is all over the car. That needs a vacuum.

Instead of evaluating her, I observed, 'There was popcorn all over the car and now I don’t see one piece.

A girl who is responsible, who works well with others, who obeys the rules, who is respectful of others, who reads fourth-grade books but is only in third grade—she won’t be afraid of what’s not there!

If you labeled a child as a slow learner, he could begin to see himself as a slow learner.

I know you can sit still for five minutes.

It must have been irritating for you to have to wait so long for me.

Neil, Mrs. Osgood told me you picked her tulips.

When I go out of my way to buy something special for my daughter, what I’d like to hear is: 'Thanks, Mom.

Never underestimate the power of your words upon a young person’s life!

Boy, I can see by the way you’re wrinkling your nose how much you hate even the thought of taking that medicine.

I don’t want us even to think about consequences. Right now we need to figure out how to make sure our dog gets healthy and stays healthy.

But’ feels like a door slammed in your face. ‘The problem is’ opens the door and invites you to consider a possible solution.

It is our conviction that the child who is misbehaving does not need to be banished from the members of his family, even temporarily.

The point is, some things are easier to swallow if someone understands how hard it is for you, and if you have a small say in how it goes down.

Empathy as a Tool for Effective Communication

Empathy involves tuning into the child's feelings and reflecting them back in a way that shows understanding. For example, if a child says, 'The bus driver yelled at me and everybody laughed,' an empathetic response would be, 'That must have been embarrassing.' This method not only comforts the child but also helps them process their emotions. The book suggests that empathy can transform a child's distress into an opportunity for connection and growth. 'It is when our words are infused with our real feelings of empathy that they speak directly to a child’s heart.'

Descriptive Praise Over Criticism

The book advocates for descriptive praise instead of evaluative praise. Descriptive praise involves the adult describing what they see or feel, allowing the child to internalize and praise themselves. For example, instead of saying, 'Jill, you’re terrific,' a parent might say, 'You figured out that the cans of corn on sale—the three-for-a-dollar ones—are actually more expensive than the brands that aren’t on sale. I’m impressed.' This method helps children become more aware and appreciative of their own strengths, fostering a more genuine and lasting sense of self-worth. 'Helpful praise actually comes in two parts: The adult describes with appreciation what he or she sees or feels. The child, after hearing the description, is then able to praise himself.'

Encouraging Autonomy Through Choices

Offering children choices is a powerful way to promote autonomy. Simple decisions, like choosing between two types of juice or deciding what to wear, give children a sense of control over their lives. This practice helps them develop decision-making skills and reduces resistance to necessary tasks. For example, a parent might say, 'Do you want to go to sleep now or do you want to play awhile in bed and call us when you’re ready to be tucked in?' This approach minimizes resentment and encourages cooperation. 'Each small choice represents one more opportunity to exert some control over his own life.'

Problem-Solving Approach

The book introduces a structured problem-solving approach to address persistent behavioral issues. This method involves discussing the child's feelings and needs, expressing the parent's feelings and needs, brainstorming mutually agreeable solutions, writing down all ideas without evaluating them, and then deciding on the best course of action. This collaborative approach not only resolves conflicts but also teaches children valuable problem-solving skills. For example, a mother struggling with her son's chronic lateness used this method to understand his perspective and together they devised a plan that worked for both of them. 'We are teaching our children that they needn’t be our victims or our enemies.'

Alternatives to Punishment

The book emphasizes the importance of finding alternatives to punishment when dealing with children's misbehavior. Traditional methods like sarcasm, lectures, and threats often lead to negative emotions such as hatred, revenge, and defiance in children. Instead, the book suggests using methods that encourage cooperation and responsibility. For example, instead of punishing a child for leaving the light on, a parent could simply state, 'Kids, the light!' This approach helps children learn from their actions without feeling attacked or resentful. 'By punishing a child we actually deprive him of the very important inner process of facing his own misbehavior.'

Using Playfulness to Engage Cooperation

Humor and playfulness can be powerful tools in engaging children and diffusing tension. The book provides numerous examples of how parents use playful strategies to motivate their children. For instance, a mother might put her child's underwear on her head to make getting dressed a fun game, or a father might invent characters like Geraldine and Joe to make tooth brushing an exciting adventure. These playful approaches not only make tasks more enjoyable but also strengthen the parent-child bond by creating positive and joyful interactions. 'Kids love play. The day can get pretty grim with all the things they have to do. It is a nice relief to be goofy.'

Use Descriptive Praise

When your child completes a task or makes an effort, describe what you see without evaluating. For example, 'You picked up all the toys and put them in the box. The room looks so tidy now.'

Offer Choices to Reduce Resistance

When asking your child to do something, provide them with options. For example, 'Would you like to take your medicine with apple juice or ginger ale?' This gives them a sense of control and reduces resistance.

Use Empathy Statements

When your child is upset, use empathy statements to acknowledge their feelings. For example, 'I can see that you're really upset about this. It must be hard for you.'

This is just too much! . . . How frustrating!

All feelings can be accepted but certain actions must be restricted.

Don’t bullshit them when you don’t know something; encourage them to ask friends or family who might have a better answer.

Complex questions are an opportunity to explore something, so don’t brush them off with oversimplified answers. Ask them why they asked and what they think.

Encourage Autonomy and Self-Confidence

Bad Behavior Is a Problem, Not a Character Flaw

Instead of Punishing, Encourage Cooperation

View the situation they’re in from their perspective as opposed to your own, and they won’t see you as part of the problem that they’re acting out over.

Show them that you’re tuned in to how they feel with non-judgmental verbal cues: “I see that shoelace is giving you a hard time.”

Imagine complaining to a friend about something at work and they respond by a) blaming you; b) questioning your reaction; c) offering unsolicited advice; d) offering fake pity; e) psychoanalyzing you — you’d probably be annoyed. So, yeah. Don’t do that to your kid.

Children don’t need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged.

Resist the temptation to “make better” instantly. Instead of giving advice, continue to accept and reflect on your child’s feelings.

When we acknowledge a child’s feelings, we do him a great service. We put him in touch with his inner reality. And once he’s clear about that reality, he gathers the strength to begin to cope.

Actually hearing yourself represents progress. It’s the first step toward making changes.

By punishing a child we actually deprive him of the very important inner process of facing his own misbehavior.

We have to stop thinking of the child as a 'problem' that needs correction.

We are teaching our children that they needn’t be our victims or our enemies.

We are giving them the tools that will enable them to be active participants in solving the problems that confront them.

Popcorn is all over the car. That needs a vacuum.

Instead of evaluating her, I observed, 'There was popcorn all over the car and now I don’t see one piece.

A girl who is responsible, who works well with others, who obeys the rules, who is respectful of others, who reads fourth-grade books but is only in third grade—she won’t be afraid of what’s not there!

If you labeled a child as a slow learner, he could begin to see himself as a slow learner.

I know you can sit still for five minutes.

It must have been irritating for you to have to wait so long for me.

Neil, Mrs. Osgood told me you picked her tulips.

When I go out of my way to buy something special for my daughter, what I’d like to hear is: 'Thanks, Mom.

Never underestimate the power of your words upon a young person’s life!

Boy, I can see by the way you’re wrinkling your nose how much you hate even the thought of taking that medicine.

I don’t want us even to think about consequences. Right now we need to figure out how to make sure our dog gets healthy and stays healthy.

But’ feels like a door slammed in your face. ‘The problem is’ opens the door and invites you to consider a possible solution.

It is our conviction that the child who is misbehaving does not need to be banished from the members of his family, even temporarily.

The point is, some things are easier to swallow if someone understands how hard it is for you, and if you have a small say in how it goes down.

Praise generously, but wisely. Be specific and descriptive when doling it out; instead of “You’re a great artist!” try “I like how the zig-zags follow the squiggles — how did you think of that?”

This is just too much! . . . How frustrating!