Shahida Arabi

We rationalize, minimize, and even deny abuse due to cognitive dissonance, attempting to uphold our original beliefs about the abuser being a kind, loving, and affectionate person.

Our strengths – the ones that narcissists often convince us are weaknesses – are the very things that can save us from narcissists.

Knowledge is power, but until you break the trauma repetition cycle and heal your subconscious wounds, you can still be prone to gravitating towards narcissists.

Reverse discourse is all about interrupting your usual thought patterns, taking back control over the language being wielded against you, and reframing words to serve your healing journey.

It is okay to have these feelings. I honor them but I don't act upon them.

Psychoeducation is essential to lower the cognitive dissonance so common in narcissistic abuse survivors.

Educate Yourself About Narcissistic Abuse

Learn about the traits and tactics of narcissists to recognize red flags and protect yourself in future relationships.

Recovery from an abusive relationship can be very similar to withdrawal from drug addiction due to the biochemical bonds we may develop with our toxic ex-partners.

A child that's being abused by its parents doesn't stop loving its parents, it stops loving itself.

Indifference means there's no power, no reaction, no ability to ruin someone's life or their day – the victim moves forward without a second glance, and that kills them inside.

No Contact is the key that locks out that person from ever entering our heart, mind, and spirit in any palpable way again.

My silence does not mean my endorsement of your cruelty nor my defeat. My silence often speaks more volumes than my wasted energy.

The moment we are actually ready for healthy, nourishing love is the moment when we stop looking for that healthy relationship with another person and start looking for a healthy relationship with ourselves.

Healing from narcissistic abuse is healing from a lifetime of traumas.

Our life events don't define us; our interpretation of them does.

We do not fall for the narcissist – we fall for the person they pretend to be.

Beautiful, strong, intelligent, successful, confident, and wonderful people from all backgrounds can be subjected to abuse, and no one is immune to the effects of trauma.

You cannot change or control the pathology of the other person, but you can make positive changes in your own life.

At the end of the day, you have to save yourself – over and over again, no matter what. You and your story are needed. You are worthy. You are strong. You are extraordinary.

Abuse is never about the victim; it is always about the abuser's own pathology.

Telling an abuse victim, especially a victim who has complex PTSD and a history of abuse, to 'let it go,' is quite frankly, one of the most selfish and ignorant things you can do.

Trauma tends to stay 'frozen' in our brain... so for those who think abuse survivors can simply 'logically' process their situation and get out... think again.

Real break-ups with abusers like this take time, effort, strength, resources, support, empowerment – they take everything you’ve got and more.

Abuse creates complex bonds between survivor and perpetrator that are difficult to break; it also causes a great deal of cognitive dissonance as the survivor attempts to reconcile the brutal reality of the abuse with the person they once loved.

Narcissistic abuse creates an environment of fear, shame and control… [leaving] victims constantly walking on eggshells.

Victims become hopelessly addicted to any perceived gain, no matter how small.

Trauma shuts down executive functioning associated with the frontal lobes of the brain.

Healing subconscious programming and addictive or self-sabotaging behaviors during the period of recovery... is essential for breaking free from patterns that attract toxic dynamics.

The journey to healing is never really over, but that is the exciting thing about life after narcissistic abuse. You get to heal in so many different ways.

Rather than narrating the same old story that we are not capable, we may instead choose an alternative tale which recalls the multiple times we’ve survived and thrived through horrific circumstances.

Regaining control over how you define yourself and the language you use to reframe your reality makes toxic people begin to lose their power, and you begin to regain your own.

We must validate our reality as opposed to the one the abuser has created and distorted for us through gaslighting and projection.

Nobody is too ‘cute,’ too ‘smart,’ too ‘wise,’ too strong, too anything to be a victim of abuse.

Nature is a healing balm to a hurting soul, a powerful portal to more healing that is often overlooked and underestimated.

A validating therapist…will empathize with your pain, validate the abuse, and gently guide the victim towards self-compassion, which…is at the root of true change.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness or powerlessness – it’s a sign of immense power.

Today, when I recognize an emotional flashback, I show compassion for myself. I give love to that little girl that was traumatized so severely.

We have to resolve to kick ass and build our own emotional, spiritual, and intellectual resilience. We must rewrite our own narratives and recognize how extraordinary and unique we truly are.

Think of healing from narcissistic abuse as healing from a lifetime of traumas.

Escaping the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

The book reveals the manipulative cycle of narcissistic abuse, which includes phases of idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering. This cycle traps victims in patterns of psychological manipulation and trauma bonding, making it difficult to leave the relationship. Abusers use tactics like gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement, and love-bombing to distort reality and maintain control. For example, a victim might be showered with affection during the idealization phase, only to be belittled and rejected later, causing confusion and a longing to return to the initial affection. As the author notes, "They will put you down in subtle as well as blatant ways to instill a pervasive sense of worthlessness in you." Recognizing this cycle is the first step toward breaking free and reclaiming one's reality.

Breaking Trauma Bonds and Neurological Chains

Trauma bonding creates a powerful emotional attachment between abuser and victim, reinforced by biochemical and subconscious mechanisms. The abuse generates an addiction-like dependence due to hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, making it emotionally and biologically challenging to leave. Trauma reshapes the brain, impacting neurological functioning and creating a cycle of craving and withdrawal similar to substance addiction. Victims may experience intense distress when attempting to go 'No Contact.' As the book states, "Our brain’s biochemistry is not on our side," highlighting the physiological hurdles survivors face in detaching from their abusers.

No Contact: The Pathway to Healing

Implementing 'No Contact' is vital for breaking free from the abuser's control and beginning the healing process. It's about setting firm boundaries to protect oneself from manipulation and further harm. Challenges include the abuser's attempts to re-engage and circumstances like shared children or workplaces. Survivors emphasize that "No Contact is the best way," even when the narcissist tries to reach out through social media or mutual friends. "We should not desire to have people who have mistreated us back into our lives," the author asserts. By cutting ties, survivors can start to rebuild their lives without the toxic influence of the narcissist.

Reclaiming Power Through Self-Care and Self-Love

Healing involves reconnecting with oneself through self-care practices, self-love, and rebuilding one's identity. Activities like engaging with nature, music therapy, creative expression, and mindfulness help survivors process trauma and rediscover joy. Self-love is crucial for establishing healthy boundaries and developing resilience against future abuse. Survivors find empowerment by revisiting old passions and hobbies, which helps rebuild self-esteem and a sense of purpose. As the author articulates, "The moment we are actually ready for healthy, nourishing love is the moment when we stop looking for that healthy relationship with another person and start looking for a healthy relationship with ourselves." Prioritizing self-care transforms the healing journey into one of self-discovery and empowerment.

Transforming Pain into Empowerment

Survivors can turn their experiences of pain and abuse into catalysts for personal growth and empowerment. By reframing narratives, practicing self-compassion, and embracing their uniqueness, survivors reclaim their identities. Transforming vulnerabilities into strengths allows them to break free from the abuser's power. For instance, using reverse discourse helps challenge negative self-talk and internalized abuse by replacing harmful narratives with affirmations of worth. "We must rewrite our own narratives and recognize how extraordinary and unique we truly are," the book encourages. This shift enables survivors to move from victimhood to a place of strength and resilience.

The Critical Role of Support and Trauma-Informed Therapy

Seeking support from compassionate communities and trauma-informed therapists is crucial for healing. Validating therapists understand the nuances of narcissistic abuse and provide empathetic guidance, helping survivors process their experiences without judgment. Support systems counteract societal victim-blaming and isolation, offering a safe space to share and heal. Engaging in survivor communities, therapy, or support groups helps individuals feel validated and less alone in their journey. "Asking for help is not a sign of weakness or powerlessness – it’s a sign of immense power," the author affirms. Building these connections fosters recovery and empowerment.

Recognizing and Guarding Against Narcissistic Manipulation

Learning to recognize manipulative tactics and behaviors of narcissists empowers individuals to protect themselves. Awareness of narcissistic traits aids in setting boundaries and avoiding future toxic relationships. Understanding tactics like gaslighting, triangulation, and love-bombing allows survivors to see through manipulation and trust their perceptions. By identifying red flags and trusting one's intuition, individuals can avoid entanglement with narcissists. The book warns, "If you tell them what you’re most insecure about, they’ll make sure to sneak in a cutting remark at some point about it." Educating oneself about these patterns is a crucial defense against future abuse.

Implement 'No Contact' Rigorously

Cut off all communication with the narcissist to break the cycle of abuse and begin healing.

Engage in Self-Care Activities

Incorporate activities that promote healing and well-being, such as meditation, journaling, exercising, or spending time in nature.

Seek Support from Trauma-Informed Professionals

Find therapists or counselors who specialize in narcissistic abuse to guide you through the healing process with empathy and understanding.

Reframe Negative Self-Talk with Affirmations

Use positive affirmations to challenge and replace the negative beliefs instilled by the abuser.

We rationalize, minimize, and even deny abuse due to cognitive dissonance, attempting to uphold our original beliefs about the abuser being a kind, loving, and affectionate person.

Our strengths – the ones that narcissists often convince us are weaknesses – are the very things that can save us from narcissists.

Knowledge is power, but until you break the trauma repetition cycle and heal your subconscious wounds, you can still be prone to gravitating towards narcissists.

Reverse discourse is all about interrupting your usual thought patterns, taking back control over the language being wielded against you, and reframing words to serve your healing journey.

It is okay to have these feelings. I honor them but I don't act upon them.

Psychoeducation is essential to lower the cognitive dissonance so common in narcissistic abuse survivors.

Recovery from an abusive relationship can be very similar to withdrawal from drug addiction due to the biochemical bonds we may develop with our toxic ex-partners.

A child that's being abused by its parents doesn't stop loving its parents, it stops loving itself.

Indifference means there's no power, no reaction, no ability to ruin someone's life or their day – the victim moves forward without a second glance, and that kills them inside.

No Contact is the key that locks out that person from ever entering our heart, mind, and spirit in any palpable way again.

My silence does not mean my endorsement of your cruelty nor my defeat. My silence often speaks more volumes than my wasted energy.

The moment we are actually ready for healthy, nourishing love is the moment when we stop looking for that healthy relationship with another person and start looking for a healthy relationship with ourselves.

Healing from narcissistic abuse is healing from a lifetime of traumas.

Our life events don't define us; our interpretation of them does.

We do not fall for the narcissist – we fall for the person they pretend to be.

Beautiful, strong, intelligent, successful, confident, and wonderful people from all backgrounds can be subjected to abuse, and no one is immune to the effects of trauma.

You cannot change or control the pathology of the other person, but you can make positive changes in your own life.

At the end of the day, you have to save yourself – over and over again, no matter what. You and your story are needed. You are worthy. You are strong. You are extraordinary.

Abuse is never about the victim; it is always about the abuser's own pathology.

Telling an abuse victim, especially a victim who has complex PTSD and a history of abuse, to 'let it go,' is quite frankly, one of the most selfish and ignorant things you can do.

Trauma tends to stay 'frozen' in our brain... so for those who think abuse survivors can simply 'logically' process their situation and get out... think again.

Real break-ups with abusers like this take time, effort, strength, resources, support, empowerment – they take everything you’ve got and more.

Abuse creates complex bonds between survivor and perpetrator that are difficult to break; it also causes a great deal of cognitive dissonance as the survivor attempts to reconcile the brutal reality of the abuse with the person they once loved.

Narcissistic abuse creates an environment of fear, shame and control… [leaving] victims constantly walking on eggshells.

Victims become hopelessly addicted to any perceived gain, no matter how small.

Trauma shuts down executive functioning associated with the frontal lobes of the brain.

Healing subconscious programming and addictive or self-sabotaging behaviors during the period of recovery... is essential for breaking free from patterns that attract toxic dynamics.

The journey to healing is never really over, but that is the exciting thing about life after narcissistic abuse. You get to heal in so many different ways.

Rather than narrating the same old story that we are not capable, we may instead choose an alternative tale which recalls the multiple times we’ve survived and thrived through horrific circumstances.

Regaining control over how you define yourself and the language you use to reframe your reality makes toxic people begin to lose their power, and you begin to regain your own.

We must validate our reality as opposed to the one the abuser has created and distorted for us through gaslighting and projection.

Nobody is too ‘cute,’ too ‘smart,’ too ‘wise,’ too strong, too anything to be a victim of abuse.

Nature is a healing balm to a hurting soul, a powerful portal to more healing that is often overlooked and underestimated.

A validating therapist…will empathize with your pain, validate the abuse, and gently guide the victim towards self-compassion, which…is at the root of true change.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness or powerlessness – it’s a sign of immense power.

Today, when I recognize an emotional flashback, I show compassion for myself. I give love to that little girl that was traumatized so severely.

We have to resolve to kick ass and build our own emotional, spiritual, and intellectual resilience. We must rewrite our own narratives and recognize how extraordinary and unique we truly are.

Think of healing from narcissistic abuse as healing from a lifetime of traumas.