Mark Manson

The Backwards Law

Manson discusses the 'Backwards Law,' which states that the more you pursue positive experiences, the more you reinforce the notion that you lack them. Conversely, accepting negative experiences can lead to positive outcomes. For example, the more you chase happiness, the more you feel its absence. Manson illustrates this with the paradoxical statement, 'The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.'

Embrace the Struggle, Not Just the Outcome

True success and happiness come from embracing the struggles and challenges that come with any pursuit, rather than just fantasizing about the end result. Manson argues that people often fall in love with the idea of success but not the process required to achieve it. He states, 'What determines your success isn’t, 'What do you want to enjoy?' The relevant question is, 'What pain do you want to sustain?'' This underscores the importance of finding value and satisfaction in the journey itself, not just the destination.

The Tyranny of Exceptionalism

Constant exposure to exceptional achievements through media has skewed our perception of what is normal. Manson explains that most people are average at most things, and the pursuit of being extraordinary in all aspects of life is unrealistic and harmful. He states, 'The vast majority of life is unextraordinary, indeed quite average.' Accepting our average nature can alleviate the pressure to be extraordinary and lead to a more fulfilling life.

The Power of Responsibility

Taking responsibility for everything in our lives, regardless of who is at fault, is crucial for personal growth and empowerment. Manson shares the story of William James, who transformed his life by taking full responsibility for it. Manson emphasizes that while we cannot control everything that happens to us, we can control how we interpret and respond to these events. He states, 'The more we choose to accept responsibility in our lives, the more power we will exercise over our lives.'

Embrace Being Wrong for Growth

Personal growth stems from acknowledging and embracing our wrongness. Manson argues that being wrong is not a flaw but a pathway to growth. He states, 'Growth is an endlessly iterative process. When we learn something new, we don’t go from 'wrong' to 'right.' Rather, we go from wrong to slightly less wrong.' By accepting our imperfections and the inevitability of being wrong, we open ourselves up to learning and evolving.

Accept Negative Emotions

Instead of trying to avoid or suppress negative feelings, accept them as a natural part of life. This can help you break the Feedback Loop from Hell and reduce overall stress.

Prioritize Your Fucks

Focus your emotional energy on things that truly matter to you and align with your core values. Let go of trivial concerns that don't contribute to your well-being.

Embrace the Process

Focus on finding joy and satisfaction in the daily grind and challenges of your pursuits, rather than just fantasizing about the end result. This mindset shift can help you stay motivated and resilient.

Take Responsibility

Embrace the idea that you are responsible for everything in your life, regardless of external circumstances. This mindset empowers you to take control of your life and turn challenges into opportunities for growth.

Set Clear Boundaries

Ensure that you and your partner take responsibility for your own problems and support each other without taking on each other's burdens. This helps maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.

By not giving a fuck that you feel bad, you short-circuit the Feedback Loop from Hell.

The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.

The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is True and immediate and important.

What determines your success isn’t, 'What do you want to enjoy?' The relevant question is, 'What pain do you want to sustain?

Who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for.

The vast majority of life is unextraordinary, indeed quite average.

If suffering is inevitable, if our problems in life are unavoidable, then the question we should be asking is not 'How do I stop suffering?' but 'Why am I suffering—for what purpose?

Our values determine the nature of our problems, and the nature of our problems determines the quality of our lives.

Fault results from choices that have already been made. Responsibility results from the choices you’re currently making, every second of every day.

You always get to choose how you see things, how you react to things, how you value things.

Growth is an endlessly iterative process. When we learn something new, we don’t go from 'wrong' to 'right.' Rather, we go from wrong to slightly less wrong.

Certainty is the enemy of growth. Nothing is for certain until it has already happened—and even then, it’s still debatable.

Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth.

The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it.

It’s only when we feel intense pain that we’re willing to look at our values and question why they seem to be failing us.

Action isn’t just the effect of motivation; it’s also the cause of it.

To truly appreciate something, you must confine yourself to it.

Healthy love is based on two people acknowledging and addressing their own problems with each other’s support.

People with strong boundaries understand that a healthy relationship is not about controlling one another’s emotions, but rather about each partner supporting the other in their individual growth and in solving their own problems.

Without conflict, there can be no trust. Conflict exists to show us who is there for us unconditionally and who is just there for the benefits.

The Feedback Loop from Hell

Mark Manson introduces the concept of the 'Feedback Loop from Hell,' where negative feelings about negative experiences amplify each other. For instance, feeling anxious about being anxious creates a loop that exacerbates the initial emotion. Manson argues that accepting negative emotions as a natural part of life can break this cycle, reducing overall stress. He encapsulates this idea with the quote, 'By not giving a fuck that you feel bad, you short-circuit the Feedback Loop from Hell.'

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Love

Manson delves into the distinction between healthy and unhealthy love, emphasizing that the former is rooted in mutual support and personal responsibility, while the latter is often a form of escapism. He states, 'Healthy love is based on two people acknowledging and addressing their own problems with each other’s support.' This highlights the importance of addressing one's issues with the support of a partner, rather than using each other to avoid personal problems.

Life is about not knowing and then doing something anyway.

When we let go of the stories we tell about ourselves, to ourselves, we free ourselves up to actually act (and fail) and grow.

The narrower and rarer the identity you choose for yourself, the more everything will seem to threaten you. For that reason, define yourself in the simplest and most ordinary ways possible.

Pain and loss are inevitable and we should let go of trying to resist them.

The desire to avoid rejection at all costs, to avoid confrontation and conflict, the desire to attempt to accept everything equally and to make everything cohere and harmonize, is a deep and subtle form of entitlement.

Subtlety #3: Whether you realize it or not, you are always choosing what to give a f*ck about. Maturity is what happens when one learns to only give a f*ck about what’s truly f*ckworthy. The idea of not giving a f*ck is a simple way of reorienting our expectations for life and choosing what is important and what is not.

Death is the light by which the shadow of all of life’s meaning is measured. Confronting the reality of our own mortality is important because it obliterates all the crappy, fragile, superficial values in life. You are going to die, and that’s because you were fortunate enough to have lived.

The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience. The true measurement of self-worth is not how a person feels about her positive experiences, but rather how she feels about her negative experiences.

Entitled people who blame others for their own emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they constantly paint themselves as victims, eventually someone will come along and save them, and they will receive the love they’ve always wanted. Entitled people who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they “fix” their partner and save him or her, they will receive the love and appreciation they’ve always wanted.

A lot of people hesitate to take responsibility for their problems because they believe that to be responsible for your problems is to also be at fault for your problems.

Problems never stop; they merely get exchanged and/or upgraded.Our problems birth our happiness, along with slightly better, slightly upgraded problems.

When trust is destroyed, it can be rebuilt only if the following two steps happen: 1) the trust-breaker admits the true values that caused the breach and owns up to them, and 2) the trust-breaker builds a solid track record of improved behavior over time.

The greatest truths in life are usually the most unpleasant to hear.

Subtlety #2: To not give a f*ck about adversity, you must first give a f*ck about something more important than adversity. If you find yourself consistently giving too many f*cks about trivial s*it that bothers you, chances are you don’t have much going on in your life to give a legitimate f*ck about.

It can be difficult for people to recognize the difference between doing something out of obligation and doing it voluntarily. So here’s a litmus test: ask yourself, “If I refused, how would the relationship change?” Similarly, ask, “If my partner refused something I wanted, how would the relationship change?”

If it feels like it’s you versus the world, chances are it’s really just you versus yourself.

Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience.

Our values determine the metrics by which we measure ourselves and everyone else.

People who feel entitled view every occurrence in their life as either an affirmation of or a threat to, their own greatness.

Subtlety #1: Not giving a f*ck does not mean being indifferent; it means being comfortable with being different. A sneaky truth about life. There’s no such thing as not giving a f*ck. You must give a f*ck about something. You can’t be an important and life-changing presence for some people without also being a joke and an embarrassment to others.

The rare people who do become truly exceptional at something do so not because they believe they’re exceptional. On the contrary, they become amazing because they’re obsessed with improvement. And that obsession with improvement stems from an unerring belief that they are, in fact, not that great at all.

The mark of an unhealthy relationship is two people who try to solve each other’s problems in order to feel good about themselves. Rather, a healthy relationship is when two people solve their own problems in order to feel good about each other.

The more we choose to accept responsibility for our lives, the more power we will exercise over our lives. Accepting responsibility for our problems is thus the first step to solving them.

Take a moment and think of something that’s really bugging you. Now ask yourself why it bugs you. Chances are the answer will involve a failure of some sort.

The key to a good life is not giving a f*ck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important.

Being able to look at and evaluate different values without necessarily adopting them is perhaps the central skill required in changing one’s own life in a meaningful way.

Problems add a sense of meaning and importance to our lives. Some of the greatest moments of one’s life are not pleasant, not successful, not known, and not positive.

To not give a f*ck is to stare down life’s most terrifying and difficult challenges and still take action.

The more you pursue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you become, as pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place. Philosopher Alan Watts used to refer to as “The Backwards Law.”

Who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for.Our struggles determine our successes.

If you lack the motivation to make an important change in your life, do something—anything, really—and then harness the reaction to that action as a way to begin motivating yourself.

Happiness comes from problems you enjoy having and solving.

Ultimately, the only way to achieve meaning and a sense of importance in one’s life is through a rejection of alternatives, a narrowing of freedom, a choice of commitment to one place, one belief, or (gulp) one person.

We don’t always control what happens to us. But we always control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond.

When the standard of success becomes merely acting—when any result is regarded as progress and important, when inspiration is seen as a reward rather than a prerequisite—we propel ourselves ahead. We feel free to fail, and that failure moves us forward.

Manson tries to live with few rules, but one that he’s adopted over the years is this: if it’s down to him being screwed up, or everybody else being screwed up, it is far, far, far more likely that he’s the one who’s screwed up.

If you want to change how you see your problems, you have to change what you value and/or how you measure failure/success.

The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.

True happiness occurs only when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving.

By not giving a fuck that you feel bad, you short-circuit the Feedback Loop from Hell.

The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.

The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is True and immediate and important.

What determines your success isn’t, 'What do you want to enjoy?' The relevant question is, 'What pain do you want to sustain?

Who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for.

The vast majority of life is unextraordinary, indeed quite average.

If suffering is inevitable, if our problems in life are unavoidable, then the question we should be asking is not 'How do I stop suffering?' but 'Why am I suffering—for what purpose?

Our values determine the nature of our problems, and the nature of our problems determines the quality of our lives.

Fault results from choices that have already been made. Responsibility results from the choices you’re currently making, every second of every day.

You always get to choose how you see things, how you react to things, how you value things.

Growth is an endlessly iterative process. When we learn something new, we don’t go from 'wrong' to 'right.' Rather, we go from wrong to slightly less wrong.

Certainty is the enemy of growth. Nothing is for certain until it has already happened—and even then, it’s still debatable.

Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth.

The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it.

It’s only when we feel intense pain that we’re willing to look at our values and question why they seem to be failing us.

Action isn’t just the effect of motivation; it’s also the cause of it.

To truly appreciate something, you must confine yourself to it.

Healthy love is based on two people acknowledging and addressing their own problems with each other’s support.

People with strong boundaries understand that a healthy relationship is not about controlling one another’s emotions, but rather about each partner supporting the other in their individual growth and in solving their own problems.

Without conflict, there can be no trust. Conflict exists to show us who is there for us unconditionally and who is just there for the benefits.

Everything comes with an inherent sacrifice—whatever makes us feel good will also inevitably make us feel bad.

Improvement at anything is based on thousands of tiny failures, and the magnitude of your success is based on how many times you’ve failed at something. If someone is better than you at something, then it’s likely because she has failed at it more than you have. If someone is worse than you, it’s likely because he hasn’t been through all of the painful learning experiences you have.

Self-awareness is like an onion. The first layer is a simple understanding of one’s emotions. The second layer is an ability to ask why we feel certain emotions. This layer of questioning helps us understand the root cause of the emotions that overwhelm us. Once we understand that root cause, we can ideally do something to change it. The third level is our personal values: Why do I consider this to be success/failure? How am I choosing to measure myself? By what standard am I judging myself and everyone around me?

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck in 3 Sentences:1. It challenges the conventions of self-help by inviting the reader to NOT try, say no often and embrace negative thinking.2. Not giving a f*ck is about being comfortable with being different and caring about something more important than adversity.3. You must give a f*ck about something.

When we force ourselves to stay positive at all times, we deny the existence of our life’s problems. And when we deny our problems, we rob ourselves of the chance to solve them and generate happiness.