Stephen R. Covey

Engage in Service Together

Covey underscores the profound effects of families serving together, stating, 'Some time ago, my wife and I decided that we have been given a lot in life and need to give back more than we take.' Engaging in service activities strengthens family ties and brings a higher sense of fulfillment. This practice enhances connections and promotes a culture of giving and empathy within the family.

Basing our happiness on our ability to control everything is futile. While we do control our choice of action, we cannot control the consequences of our choices.

Quality of life cannot be achieved by taking the right shortcut. There is no shortcut. But there is a path. The path is based on principles revered throughout history.

Self-awareness prompts us to start where we are—no illusions, no excuses—and helps us to set realistic goals.

Fundamental to putting first things first in our lives is leadership before management: 'Am I doing the right things?' before 'Am I doing things right?'

Anything less than a conscious commitment to the important is an unconscious commitment to the unimportant.

Knowing and doing what’s important rather than simply responding to what’s urgent is foundational to putting first things first.

The value of the matrix is that it helps us to see how importance and urgency affect the choices we make about how to spend our time.

The essence of these needs is captured in the phrase 'to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy.

Just as real as 'true north' in the physical world are the timeless laws of cause and effect that operate in the world of personal effectiveness and human interaction.

1. 'The power of principles is that they’re universal, timeless truths. If we understand and live our lives based on principles, we can quickly adapt; we can apply them anywhere.

3. 'Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

4. 'We’re not victims. We’re not the product of our past. We are the product of our choices. We are “response-able”—able to respond, to choose beyond our moods and tendencies.

5. 'Quality of life is inside-out. Meaning is in contribution, in living for something higher than self.

By making and keeping promises to ourselves and to others, little by little we increase our strength until our ability to act is more powerful than any of the forces that act upon us.

The best way to predict your future is to create it.

Our security comes from our own integrity to true north.

Doing more things faster is no substitute for doing the right things.

The key to quality of life is in the compass—it’s in the choices we make every day.

The key, however, is not to prioritize your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.

The object of Quadrant II organizing is not to set a schedule in cement. It’s to create the framework in which quality decisions based on importance can be made on a day-by-day, moment-by-moment basis.

Quadrant II organizing empowers you to look at the best use of your time through the paradigm of importance rather than urgency.

Vision is the best manifestation of creative imagination and the primary motivation of human action. It’s the ability to see beyond our present reality, to create, to invent what does not yet exist, to become what we not yet are.

The key to motivation is motive. It’s the why. It’s the deeper “yes!” burning inside that makes it easier to say no to the less important.

What is quality of life if it isn’t spending time with the people you love most?

A stewardship is a trust. A steward is 'one called to exercise responsible care over possessions entrusted to him or her.' We’re stewards over our time, our talents, our resources.

Balance is in living, loving, learning, and leaving a legacy, and our roles create the synergistic, sometimes seasonal avenues through which we do it.

Every role has a relationship with family members, work associates, relatives, or friends. To see this vital social dimension empowers us to put people ahead of schedules.

There’s no balance in life without balance in our inner life—without the synergy created when living, loving, learning, and leaving a legacy coalesce.

Goals that are connected to our inner life have the power of passion and principle. They’re fueled by the fire within and based on “true north” principles that create quality-of-life results.

The key to motivation is motive. It’s the “why.” It’s what gives us the energy to stay strong in hard moments.

If a goal isn’t connected to a deep “why,” it may be good, but it usually isn’t best.

Doing the right thing for the right reason in the right way is the key to quality of life, and that can only come through the power of an educated conscience that aligns us with vision, mission, and true north.

Self-awareness involves deep personal honesty. It comes from asking and answering hard questions.

To have the self-awareness to know the difference between the good and the best and to act based on mission, conscience, and principles is to make the most significant deposits in our Personal Integrity Account.

To set and work toward any goal is an act of courage. When we exercise the courage to set and act on goals that are connected to principles and conscience, we tend to achieve positive results.

Quadrant II organizing is not prioritizing what’s on the schedule; it’s scheduling priorities.

The successful experiences most of us would like to have in life are rarely an accident. They are almost always an achievement, the result of careful planning and thorough preparation.

Quality of life depends on what happens in the space between stimulus and response.

A moment of choice is a moment of truth. It’s the testing point of our character and competence.

We may find it convenient to live with the illusion that circumstances or other people are responsible for the quality of our lives, but the reality is that we are responsible—responsible—for our choices.

The essence of principle-centered living is making the commitment to listen to and live by conscience.

Over time, our choices become habits of the heart. And, more than any other factor, these habits of the heart affect our time and the quality of our lives.

We exhaust ourselves far more from the tension and the consequences of internal disharmony—not doing what we feel we should— than from hard, unremitting work.

The key to acting with integrity is to simply stop playing the game. Learn to listen—as well as to conscience, to our own response.

It takes courage to be self-honest, to examine your deepest motives, and to let go of the excuses and rationalizations that keep you from living true to your best self.

One of the best ways to educate our heart is to look at our interaction with other people, because our relationships with others are fundamentally a reflection of our relationship with ourselves.

Our accomplishments are interdependent. Although we look back in history and tend to say that one particular person “invented” or “discovered” a particular thing, the reality is that most great achievements were not made in a vacuum.

The fact is that we’re better together than we are alone. Humility comes as we realize that “no man is an island,” that no one individual has all the talents, all the ideas, all the capacity to perform the functions of the whole.

Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships—marriages, families, and organizations of every kind— together.

The fourth-generation paradigm is people first, things second. It’s leadership first, management second. It’s effectiveness first, efficiency second. It’s purpose first, structure second. It’s vision first, method second.

Only by drawing on the combined brain power of all its employees can a firm face up to the turbulence and constraints of today’s environment.

Control is such an illusion. People who are into control have basically internalized sufficient principles or natural laws of life so that they think they are the ones making things happen.

Because we know how to listen to our own heart, we can listen to the hearts of others. We can step out of our autobiography and seek to understand.

This is the essence of win-win: in almost all situations, cooperation is far more productive than competition.

The degree to which urgency drives the organization is the degree to which importance does not.

The passion created by shared vision creates synergistic empowerment. It unleashes and combines the energy, talent, and capacities of all involved.

Shared vision becomes the constitution, the criterion for decision making in the group. It bonds people together. It gives them a sense of unity and purpose that provides great strength in times of challenge.

A powerful shared vision has a profound effect on quality of life—in the family, in the organization, in any situation where we work with others. We become contributing parts of a greater whole.

The key to effective interdependent effort is what we call 'win-win stewardship agreements.' These agreements represent the critical juncture of people and possibilities.

Frustration is essentially a function of expectation. Clarifying interdependent expectations up front does a great deal to contribute to quality of life.

The point is that you’re working together on the problem instead of against each other through the problem.

When people really think win-win, when they seek to deeply understand each other, and they focus their energy toward solving problems synergistically instead of against each other, the effects are profound.

Win-win is not adversarial; it’s synergistic. It’s not transactional; it’s transformational.

Anytime we think the problem is 'out there,' that thought is the problem. We disempower ourselves.

Principle-centered leadership is the personal empowerment that creates empowerment in the organization.

Empowerment can’t be installed; it has to be grown. It’s a matter of nurturing the conditions that create it.

At the heart of empowerment is trustworthiness—which is a function of character and competence.

Character and competence are high-leverage areas of focus that make each of the other conditions possible.

Building character and competency is a process, and one of the highest-leverage things we can do in this process is to regularly seek 360 degree feedback.

There are certain fundamental principles that govern in all human interactions, and living in harmony with those principles or natural laws is absolutely essential for quality family life.

The greatest power of the 7 Habits does not lie in the individual habits but in all the habits together and in the relationship between them. With this framework you can diagnose or figure out just about anything that happens in any conceivable family situation.

Family itself is a “we” experience, a “we” mentality.

My friend, love is a verb. Love—the feeling—is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?

Now just think about the word “responsible”—“response-able,” able to choose your own response. That is the essence of proactivity.

That vision of the Smith Team helped us through what was the greatest challenge our family had ever faced.

The way you treat any relationship in the family will eventually affect every relationship in the family.

I’m convinced you would be hard-pressed to come up with a deposit that has more impact in the family than making and keeping promises.

As Goethe said, 'Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be, and he will become as he can and should be.

This was one of the most exciting things that developed out of our family mission statement work— the creation of this social will, this sense of “we.” This is our decision, our determination. This is what we have decided we are going to be and to do.

This coming together—this sharing and agreeing upon role expectations, problem-solving strategies, vision and values in a relationship —is called “co-missioning.” In other words, it’s a commingling or joining of missions or purposes.

This was their creation, not merely something we dictated. No suggestion was dismissed lightly. This was important business, and we treated the process with respect. We enjoyed talking together about what we really wanted our family to be.

A mission statement doesn’t have to be some big, formal document. It can even be a word or a phrase, or something creative and entirely different such as an image or a symbol.

With a clear sense of shared vision and values, you can be very demanding when it comes to standards. You can have the courage to hold your children accountable and to let them experience the consequences of their actions.

The family mission statement literally becomes the DNA of family life.

If you carefully consider the problems people face in marriage, you will find that in almost every case they arise out of conflicting role expectations and are exacerbated by conflicting problem-solving strategies.

A clear sense of personal vision can be an enormous help to you—or any member of your family, including even young children—in knowing and doing what really matters most.

I have climbed the ladder of success, and as I’m getting near the top rung, I realize that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall. It’s not in money; it’s not in positions. It’s in this family relationship.

The rewards of home and family are almost all intrinsic. You’re not paid to do it. You don’t get prestige out of doing it. No one cheers you on in the role. As a parent your compensation is the satisfaction that comes from playing a significant role in influencing a life for good that no one else can fill.

If we had it to do over, we would put a higher priority on our family, on these children—particularly when they were little. We would have made a greater investment.

Children learn the most important lessons not from Power Rangers or even Big Bird but from a loving family who reads with them, talks to them, works with them, listens to them, and spends happy time with them. When children feel loved, really loved, they thrive!

By creating and living by a mission statement, families are gradually able to build moral authority in the family itself. This planning also made a big difference to me because it helped me commit to do what I really wanted to do but often didn’t do because of the pressure of the moment.

If we do not teach our children, society will. And they—and we—will live with the results.

Any change—even a tiny one—in your direction today will make a significant difference hundreds of miles down the road.

One-on-ones are where most of the real work of the family is done. This is where there is the deepest nurturing of heart and soul.

The greatest thing you can do for your children is love your spouse.

People don’t act on what they know; they act on how they feel about what they know and about themselves. If they can come to feel good about themselves and about the relationship, they are encouraged to act on what they know.

Eventually, by making and keeping promises, your sense of honor will become greater than your moods or any baggage you may carry with you.

Really, the only long-term viable alternative is win-win. In fact, it is the essence of a beautiful family culture. Both win-lose and lose-win will ultimately result in lose-lose.

Synergy is a situation in which one plus one equals at least three. It is the highest, most productive and satisfying level of human interdependence.

This abundance mentality is the spirit of “family.” It’s the spirit of “we.” And this is what marriage and family are all about.

Parenting is not about being popular and giving in to every child’s whim and desire. It’s about making decisions that truly are win-win—however they may appear to the child at the time.

The key is in creating clear expectations up front, and family “win-win agreements” can help you do this.

The best thing about this whole experience is that the agreement helped me be calm and let them learn. They chose; they got the consequence. I was loving, I was supportive, but I didn’t get in the way.

People do not see the world as it is; they see it as they are—or as they have been conditioned to be.

And until we gain the capacity to step out of our own autobiography—to set aside our own glasses and really see the world through the eyes of others—we will never be able to build deep, authentic relationships and have the capacity to influence in positive ways.

There’s no way to have rich, rewarding family relationships without real understanding.

Most mistakes with our children, with our spouses, with all family members are not the result of bad intent. It’s just that we really don’t understand. We don’t see clearly into one another’s hearts.

The deepest hunger of the human heart is to be understood. Next to physical survival, our strongest need is psychological survival.

Creating a warm, caring, supportive, encouraging environment is probably the most important thing you can do for your family. This is why it is so important to create a loving, nurturing environment in the home—an environment where it is safe to be vulnerable, to be open.

Most of us either seek first to be understood, or if we do seek to understand, we are often preparing our response as we “listen.” So we evaluate, advise, probe, or interpret from our own point of view. And none of these is an understanding response. They all come out of our autobiography, our world, our values.

When you give an understanding response, both of you gain a greater understanding of what she’s really thinking and feeling. You make it safe for her to open up and share. You make it comfortable for her to engage her own inner gifts to help deal with the concern. And you build the relationship, which will prove immensely helpful further down the road.

Always ask yourself, “Will this feedback really be helpful to this person, or does it just fulfill my own need to set this person straight?” If there’ s any anger inside you, it’s probably not the time or the place to give feedback.

Separate the person from the behavior. We might judge the behavior against standards and principles. We might describe our feelings and observe the consequences of this behavior. But we must absolutely refuse to put a label on another person.

Use “I” messages. When you give feedback, it’s important to remember that you’re sharing your own perception—the way you see the world. So give “I” messages: “This is my perception.” “My concern is…” “This is how I see it.” “This is the way I feel.” “This is what I observed.

Synergy is the summum bonum —the supreme or highest fruit—of all the habits. It’s the magic that happens when one plus one equals three—or more. And it happens because the relationship between the parts is a part itself.

The key to creating synergy is in learning to value—even celebrate—the difference.

To understand that reality—and to adjust expectations accordingly—is, to a great extent, to control our own satisfaction. Our expectations are also the basis for our judgments.

It’s not enough to simply tolerate differences in the family. You can’t just accept differences. You can’t just diversify family functions to accommodate differences. To have the kind of creative magic we’re talking about, you must actually celebrate differences.

Synergy unleashes tremendous capacity. It gives birth to new ideas. It brings you together in new multidimensional ways, making huge deposits in the Emotional Bank Account because creating something new with someone else is enormously bonding.

The key to your family culture is how you treat the child that tests you the most. When you can show unconditional love to your most difficult child, others know that your love for them is also unconditional. And that knowledge builds trust.

Some say that feedback is the “breakfast of champions.” But it isn’t. Vision is the breakfast. Feedback is the lunch. Self-correction is the dinner.

This is the synergy that comes through a complementary approach—an approach in which one person’s strength is utilized and his or her weaknesses are made irrelevant by the strength of another.

This approach requires significant self-awareness. When a person is aware of a weakness, it instills humility sufficient to seek another’s strength to compensate for it.

Always be aware that happiness does not come from money, possessions, or fame; it comes from the quality of relationships with the people you love and respect.

All of them develop an intrinsic sense of personal and family worth that is independent of others and of the environment—even though it manifests itself in relationships and in the environment.

Through traditions you reinforce the connection of the family. You give a feeling of belonging, of being supported, of being understood. You are committed to one another. You are a part of something that’s greater than yourself.

The main point is that renewing family traditions will help you create and nurture a beautiful family culture that encourages you to keep on track and keeps family members coming back to the flight plan time and time again.

The added social dimension of “family” makes doing everything more exciting and more fun because you have someone special to share it with. In fact, those family bonds are often even more important than the event itself.

To celebrate a birthday is to celebrate the person. It’s a wonderful opportunity to express love and affirmation and make huge deposits into the Emotional Bank Account.

Holidays provide an ideal time to build traditions. They happen every year. It’s easy to create a sense of anticipation and fun as well as meaning and camaraderie around them.

We find that with these kinds of intergenerational activities, siblings and cousins usually end up the best of friends. We feel a great sense of strength in and appreciation for the members of our extended and intergenerational families. We firmly believe they go a long way toward reweaving the safety net that’s become unraveled in society.

Learning together can be a wonderful tradition and one of the greatest joys of family life. It also affirms that when you raise your children you are also raising your grandchildren.

The point is that if you organize your family life to spend even ten or fifteen minutes a morning reading something that connects you with these timeless principles, it’s almost guaranteed that you will make better choices during the day—in the family, on the job, in every dimension of life.

Can you see how tremendously renewing this tradition of serving together can be? It’s spiritually renewing because it’s focused on something higher than self.

Having fun together is so vital and so important that it could even be listed as a tradition in and of itself. And it can be nurtured and expressed in many ways.

In any distress or disease, true healing involves all four dimensions: the physical, the social/emotional, the mental, and the spiritual. Family renewal helps make this four-dimensional healing available to everyone in the family.

The fourth level, significance, is where the family is involved in something meaningful outside itself. Rather than being content to be a successful family, the family has a sense of stewardship or responsibility to the greater family of mankind, as well as a sense of accountability around that stewardship.

On the level of significance, the family becomes the vehicle through which people can effectively contribute to the well-being of others. This level of significance is the supreme level of family fulfillment. Nothing energizes, unites, and satisfies the family like working together to make a significant contribution.

In fact, a deep understanding of the fears and anxieties that hold you back changes their nature, content, and direction, enabling you to actually convert restraining forces into driving ones.

There is no question that example is the very foundation of influence. When Albert Schweitzer was asked how to raise children, he said, 'Three principles—first, example; second, example; and third, example.

The way you fulfill your mentoring role will have a profound effect on your child’s sense of self-worth and on your ability to influence and teach.

Teaching moments are some of the supreme moments of family life—those incomparable times when you know you’ve made a significant difference in the life of another family member.

This is the point at which your efforts help “empower” family members so that they develop the internal capacity and skill to live effectively. And this is at the heart of what parenting and family are all about.

Proactivity and Personal Responsibility

Stephen Covey emphasizes the power of proactivity, which involves taking responsibility for one's actions and responses. He illustrates this with the story of Joseph from the Old Testament, who, despite being sold into slavery, chose to work diligently and eventually rose to a position of power. Covey states, 'Between stimulus and response is our greatest power — the freedom to choose.' This idea underscores that our behaviors are a result of our decisions, not our conditions, and encourages individuals to focus on their Circle of Influence, where they can effect change.

Begin with the End in Mind

Covey advocates for envisioning one's ultimate life goals and using them as a framework for daily actions. He emphasizes the importance of creating a personal mission statement, which acts as a personal constitution guiding life choices. Covey notes, 'A personal mission statement becomes the framework within which you can define your own success.' This approach ensures that efforts contribute meaningfully to one's vision of a fulfilling life, aligning daily activities with long-term aspirations.

The P/PC Balance

The P/PC Balance principle highlights the importance of balancing short-term productivity (P) with long-term asset maintenance (PC). Covey explains that neglecting maintenance, whether of physical assets or human relationships, leads to decreased efficiency and increased costs. He states, 'The P/PC Balance is particularly important as it applies to the human assets of an organization—the customers and the employees.' This principle encourages a sustainable approach to productivity, ensuring long-term success.

Synergy and Valuing Differences

Covey underscores the importance of valuing diverse perspectives to create synergy, where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. He explains, 'Valuing the differences is the essence of synergy—the mental, the emotional, the psychological differences between people.' By embracing varied viewpoints, individuals can transcend their cognitive limitations and collectively arrive at richer insights and solutions, fostering a collaborative environment where innovative solutions can thrive.

Sharpen the Saw

Covey stresses the necessity of balanced renewal across four dimensions: physical, spiritual, mental, and social/emotional. He uses the metaphor of 'sharpening the saw' to illustrate the idea that regular self-renewal activities are essential for long-term productivity. Covey points out, 'To do this, we must be proactive. Taking time to sharpen the saw is a definite Quadrant II activity.' This balanced approach ensures holistic growth and prevents burnout.

Create a Personal Mission Statement

Reflect deeply on your values, goals, and long-term aspirations. Write a mission statement that articulates these elements clearly and review it regularly to keep your life aligned with what matters most to you.

Focus on Quadrant II Activities

Prioritize important but not urgent activities like long-term planning, relationship building, and personal growth. Dedicate specific time slots to these activities in your weekly schedule to ensure they aren’t overshadowed by urgent, less important tasks.

Practice Empathic Listening

In your relationships, practice active listening and strive to understand others’ viewpoints before expressing your own. This nurtures mutual respect and strengthens emotional connections.

Embrace Different Perspectives

When faced with a disagreement, invite the other person to share their viewpoint fully. By saying, 'Good! You see it differently,' you create an environment where diverse ideas can be synergized to find effective third alternatives.

Between stimulus and response is our greatest power — the freedom to choose.

Proactive people can carry their own weather with them. Whether it rains or shines makes no difference to them.

If you look at things through the paradigm of correct principles, what you see in life is dramatically different from what you see through any other centered paradigm.

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Interdependence is a higher value than independence.

The way we see the problem is the problem.

Trust is the highest form of human motivation. It brings out the very best in people. But it takes time and patience.

Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions.

The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don’t like to do. They don’t like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.

To achieve that balance between courage and consideration is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to Win/Win.

Synergy means that 1 + 1 may equal 8, 16, or even 1,600. The synergistic position of high trust produces solutions better than any originally proposed, and all parties know it.

Create a Family Mission Statement

Covey advocates for the creation of a family mission statement to unite and guide family members. This shared vision acts as both a guide and a goal, helping the family evaluate their actions and behaviors against their collective aspirations. 'The idea is to create a vision that is shared by everyone in the family. When your destination is clear, you can keep coming back to the flight plan time and time again.' This process fosters unity and a profound sense of shared purpose.

Prioritize Family Time

Covey underscores the importance of dedicating regular, quality time to family activities. He shares anecdotes illustrating how weekly family meetings and fun activities strengthen emotional bonds and create lasting memories. 'Family time gives us the opportunity to do something that often doesn’t get done in the hubbub of life—to just spend time together having fun.' This practice ensures that family remains a top priority despite busy schedules.

Practice Empathic Listening

Empathic listening is crucial for understanding and resolving family conflicts. Covey recounts a personal story of how he failed to understand his wife's attachment to certain appliances until he listened empathetically to her backstory. 'There’s no way to have rich, rewarding family relationships without real understanding.' This approach fosters a safe environment for sharing and strengthens relationships by validating each other's perspectives.

Celebrate Differences to Achieve Synergy

Covey highlights the power of valuing and leveraging individual differences within the family to create synergy. He uses the analogy of the body to explain how individual parts must work together harmoniously to create a functioning whole. 'Rejoice in your differences!' This approach transforms challenges into opportunities for cooperation and innovation, leading to stronger family unity.

Build Emotional Bank Accounts

The concept of the Emotional Bank Account represents the trust built in relationships through proactive behavior. Covey explains that making consistent, sincere deposits, such as small acts of kindness and sincere apologies, can dramatically improve familial relationships. 'The Emotional Bank Account represents the quality of the relationship you have with others... you can make 'deposits' by proactively doing things that build trust in the relationship.' This practice fosters a resilient family culture.

Schedule Weekly Family Meetings

Commit to holding weekly family meetings to discuss important issues, plan activities, and bond as a family. This regular engagement fosters open communication and problem-solving.

Create and Display a Family Mission Statement

Collaboratively create a mission statement that reflects your family's core values and aspirations. Display it prominently in your home to serve as a daily reminder of your shared vision.

Practice Empathic Listening

Make a conscious effort to listen to family members without judgment or moral evaluation. Focus on truly understanding their perspective before attempting to be understood.

Celebrate Family Traditions

Establish and maintain family traditions, such as holiday rituals or regular fun activities, to create lasting memories and strengthen family bonds.

Engage in Community Service

Encourage each family member to participate in meaningful service activities. This practice reinforces the value of giving back and enhances family unity.

Good families—even great families—are off track 90 percent of the time! The key is that they have a sense of destination.

Because all things are created twice, if you don’t take charge of the first creation, someone or something else will.

It’s not enough to say your family is important. If ‘family’ is really going to be top priority, you have to ‘hunker down, suck it up, and make it happen!

The heart of empathy is understanding how people see the situation and how they feel about it, and the essence of what they are trying to say.

Win-win is really the only solid foundation for effective family interaction. It’s the only pattern of thinking and interacting that builds long-term relationships of trust and unconditional love.

Synergy—the Summum Bonum of All the Habits… It’s the magic that happens when one plus one equals three—or more.

Families and family members are responsible for their own choices and have the freedom to choose based on principles and values rather than on moods or conditions.

The highest form of mental creation is a marriage or family mission statement.

The unconditional love and inside-out change become irresistible.

When you create a social will, you produce something that is much more synergistic than just a collection of individual wills.

The deepest hunger of the human heart is to be understood, for understanding implicitly affirms, validates, recognizes, and appreciates the intrinsic worth of another.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

The key is to consistently do whatever builds your strength in these areas and increases your capacity to live, to love, to learn, and to leave a legacy.

Genuine guilt (not social, scripted guilt) becomes our teacher, our friend. Like a homing device that signals when an airplane gets off course, it warns us when our lives are out of alignment with the true north principles that create quality of life.

When your happiness comes primarily from the happiness of others, you know you have moved from “me” to “we.” And the whole problem-solving and opportunity-seizing process changes.

Through a family mission statement you can let your children know that you are totally committed to them, that you have been from the very moment of their birth or adoption.

The principle is this: What is important to another person must be as important to you as the other person is to you. In other words, in your heart you essentially say, “My love for you is so great and our happiness is so entwined that I would not feel good if I got my way and you were unhappy—particularly when you feel so strongly about it.

I realized that Cathy and I would both be adults someday, just like my sister and me. And dearest friends do not have to be alike. The words came to mind, 'How dare you try to impose your personality on her. Rejoice in your differences!

We count on each other’s different perspectives to increase our judgment, to help us make better decisions. We count on each other’s strengths to help compensate for our individual weaknesses. We count on each other’s uniqueness to give spice and flavor to our relationship.

I believe that helping others is the most significant contribution anyone can make in life. I’m grateful that we’ve developed to the point where we’re able to do it.

Be Proactive: Take Charge of Your Family's Direction

Stephen Covey emphasizes the importance of proactivity in family life. He introduces the concept of a 'pause button' to allow time to think before reacting, transforming potentially harmful emotional reactions into constructive actions. Covey states, 'Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.' This proactive approach helps families navigate challenges by focusing on what they can control and making deliberate choices aligned with their values.

It’s not your way, and it’s not my way. It’s a higher way.

Synergy is what happens when one plus one equals ten or a hundred or even a thousand.

Synergy is not only the answer to human conflict; it is also the principle that underlies the creation of every truly new thing in the world.

The most important power we have is the power to help select the lens through which we see reality.

You disagree? I need to listen to you!

Like the need for air, the greatest psychological need of a human being is to be understood and valued.

It's not your way, and it's not my way. It's a higher way.

Synergy is not just resolving a conflict—it transcends the conflict. We go beyond it to something new, something that excites everyone with fresh promise and transforms the future.

The map we see determines what we do, and what we do determines the results we get.

If you’re not deliberately engaged in positive synergy, you might find yourself trapped in negative synergy.

I see you as a human being, not just a representative of your ‘side.

Compromise breeds satisfaction, but not delight. Synergy means everyone wins.

If you’re in an argument, stop arguing and start listening. If you feel the overwhelming need to be 'right,' postpone that for a while and just listen.

Compassion sensitizes you to the individuality and vulnerability of your loved ones. It makes you see that your wife is a different person from you, with a separate set of experiences, a different temperament, different vulnerabilities, and in some respects, different values.

Empathy—a determination to seek out and truly understand the opposition—is the first requirement of a peacemaker.

There is always a better way.

Whenever we hear that there are only 2 Alternatives, we smell a false dilemma and get excited to move on to a 3rd Alternative.

Two people who see things differently can synergize, and for them, one plus one can equal three or ten or a thousand.

All conflict is laden with emotion. What you might think of as a simple issue is actually tied to deep fears and aspirations.

If school doesn’t do the job of helping young people feel successful every day, they will find other providers of success.

Our peace of mind depends on extending the hand of peace to others.

Life is a mission and not a career. And not a vacation.

Synergy Creates a New Reality Beyond Compromise

Stephen Covey emphasizes that true transformation occurs when we move beyond mere compromises and collaboratively create solutions that exceed everyone's expectations. Synergy involves combining strengths to produce outcomes greater than the sum of individual contributions. For example, during the Apollo 13 crisis, astronauts and mission control synergized to devise an innovative solution that saved lives. Covey asserts, “The 3rd Alternative is not a compromise—it’s a new reality that delights both sides.” By embracing synergy, we open the door to breakthroughs that were previously unimaginable.

A Paradigm Shift Unlocks Innovative Solutions

Covey highlights that changing our mindset is crucial to solving complex problems. By shifting from an 'either/or' mentality to seeking a '3rd Alternative,' we allow for creative possibilities. He cites the early colonists who avoided tomatoes thinking they were poisonous, missing out on vital nutrients—a misjudgment due to a fixed paradigm. Covey reminds us, “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.” Embracing new perspectives enables us to discover solutions beyond our initial limitations.

Empathy Transforms Relationships

Deep, empathic listening is key to building trust and fostering collaboration. Covey introduces the practice of genuinely understanding others before seeking to be understood. The Cherokee 'Talking Stick' tradition illustrates this, where individuals speak without interruption until they feel heard. Covey notes, “When people feel understood, trust grows, walls fall, and collaboration begins.” By prioritizing empathy, we can dissolve conflicts and create strong, respectful relationships that pave the way for synergy.

Seeing People as Whole Individuals Breaks Down Barriers

Covey urges us to adopt the 'I See You' paradigm—recognizing others as complete, unique individuals beyond stereotypes or labels. Nelson Mandela exemplified this by treating his prison guards as human beings, which eventually softened their attitudes and bridged divides. Covey warns, “When we reduce people to the status of a thing, we do the same to ourselves.” By truly seeing and valuing others, we dismantle prejudices and open up possibilities for authentic connection and collaboration.

The 3rd Alternative Transcends Conflict

Applying the 3rd Alternative approach allows us to resolve disputes at personal, professional, and global levels. Covey discusses how Israelis and Palestinians, through empathy and dialogue, began to foster understanding despite deep-seated conflicts. He explains, “Synergy is not only the answer to human conflict; it is also the principle that underlies the creation of every truly new thing in the world.” By seeking solutions that honor all parties, we move beyond contention to create lasting peace and innovation.

An Abundance Mentality Unlocks Possibilities

Covey contrasts the scarcity mindset, which breeds competition and fear, with the abundance mentality that fosters collaboration and generosity. Believing there's enough success for everyone encourages us to work together creatively. Intermountain Healthcare exemplified this by improving patient outcomes while reducing costs—a win-win achieved through collaborative innovation. Covey states, “An abundance mentality opens you to a world where solutions are not limited—they’re created.” Embracing abundance leads to expansive thinking and opportunities.

Live in Crescendo: Continuously Contribute and Grow

Covey advocates for 'living in crescendo,' where one's greatest contributions are always ahead. He shares the story of James Kim, who, despite hardships, dedicated his life to educating former enemies. Covey challenges us, “My best work is ahead of me. Why shouldn’t I feel that way?” By focusing on ongoing growth and service, we find purpose and fulfillment at every stage of life, continually making meaningful impacts on the world around us.

Adopt a 3rd Alternative Mindset

When facing conflicts, ask, “Is there a solution that is better than either of us has in mind?” This question opens the door to creative collaboration and innovative solutions.

Practice Empathic Listening

Listen to others fully before formulating your response. Aim to understand their perspective deeply, which builds trust and facilitates effective communication.

Shift from 'Me' to 'We' by Focusing on Shared Goals

Prioritize common objectives over individual agendas to foster teamwork and collective success.

Challenge Assumptions to Find Innovative Solutions

Question your existing beliefs and consider alternative perspectives to uncover new possibilities.

Embrace an Abundance Mentality

Believe in ample opportunities for everyone, encouraging collaboration rather than competition.

Nothing defuses the negative energy of a conflict faster than to say, ‘You see things differently. I need to listen to you.’ And mean it.

Conflict is a sign of life. Thoughtful people will always differ.

According to the law of synergy, there is always a better way.

The best environment for finding the 3rd Alternative is a ‘Magic Theater’ where all possibilities are on the table and nobody judges.

Genius is not required, just a willingness to see what everybody has seen and think what nobody has thought.

We are no longer units on an organizational chart. We connect as human beings or we do not connect at all.

Synergy begins at the edges.

In the space between provocation and anger, I decide who I am and the kind of person I want to be.

Sameness is not oneness, and uniformity is not unity.

When you really listen to others in depth until they feel understood, you are communicating how much they mean to you.

You can’t bring permanent solutions in from outside.

There are no insoluble conflicts.

Live life in crescendo: Your most important work is always ahead of you.

Life is a mission—not a career or a vacation.

The Third Alternative is not about winning or compromise; it’s about creating something entirely new, together.

Synergy is not about my way or your way—it’s about finding a better way.

When people feel understood, trust grows, walls fall, and collaboration begins.

An abundance mentality opens you to a world where solutions are not limited—they’re created.

Compromise means everyone loses something; synergy means everyone wins.

Synergy means everyone wins.

When empathy enters the room, resistance gives way to understanding and cooperation.

When people feel empathically understood, their hearts are satisfied and their minds become open.

When specific techniques and skills are applied, it becomes possible to generate new ideas in any field.

As you care less about what people think of you, you will care more about what others think of themselves.

“To try to change outward attitudes and behaviors do very little good in the long run if we fail to examine the basic paradigms from which those attitudes and behaviors flow.”

“Principles are the territory. Values are maps. When we value correct principles, we have the truth—a knowledge of things as they are.”

“We interpret everything we experience through these mental maps. We seldom question their accuracy; we’re usually even unaware that we have them. We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be.”

Admission of ignorance is often the first step in our education.

“Paradigms are inseparable from character. Being is seeing in the human dimension. And what we see is highly interrelated to what we are.”

“Proactive people are still influenced by external stimuli, whether physical, social, or psychological. But their response to the stimuli, conscious or unconscious, is a value-based choice or response.”

Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” — Aristotle

1. Be proactive2. Begin with the end in mind3. Put first things first4. Think win/win5. Seek first to understand then be understood6. Synergize7. Sharpen the saw

On practices vs. principles: “Practices are situationally specific. Principles are deep, fundamental truths that have universal application.”

Leadership is communicating others’ worth and potential so clearly that they are inspired to see it in themselves.

Proactive people can carry their own weather with them. Whether it rains or shines makes no difference to them. They are value-driven; and if their value is to produce good quality work, it isn’t a function of whether the weather is conducive to it or not.

Effectiveness lies in the balance—what Stephen calls the P/PC Balance. P stands for production of desired results, the golden eggs. PC stands for production capability, the ability or asset that produces the golden eggs.

“We are not our feelings. We are not our moods. We are not even our thoughts. The very fact that we can think about these things separates us from them and from the animal world.”

Proactive people work on the things they can do something about.

Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.

If we want to make relatively minor changes in our lives, we can perhaps appropriately focus on our attitudes and behaviors. But if we want to make significant, quantum change, we need to work on our basic paradigms.

Each of us has many, many maps in our head, which can be divided into two main categories: maps of the way things are, or realities, and maps of the way things should be, or values.

There is no effectiveness without discipline, and there is no discipline without character.

We began to realize that if we wanted to change the situation, we first had to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Between stimulus and response is our greatest power — the freedom to choose.

Proactive people can carry their own weather with them. Whether it rains or shines makes no difference to them.

If you look at things through the paradigm of correct principles, what you see in life is dramatically different from what you see through any other centered paradigm.

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Interdependence is a higher value than independence.

The way we see the problem is the problem.

Trust is the highest form of human motivation. It brings out the very best in people. But it takes time and patience.

Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions.

The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don’t like to do. They don’t like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.

To achieve that balance between courage and consideration is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to Win/Win.

Synergy means that 1 + 1 may equal 8, 16, or even 1,600. The synergistic position of high trust produces solutions better than any originally proposed, and all parties know it.

There are certain fundamental principles that govern in all human interactions, and living in harmony with those principles or natural laws is absolutely essential for quality family life.

The greatest power of the 7 Habits does not lie in the individual habits but in all the habits together and in the relationship between them. With this framework you can diagnose or figure out just about anything that happens in any conceivable family situation.

Family itself is a “we” experience, a “we” mentality.

My friend, love is a verb. Love—the feeling—is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?

Now just think about the word “responsible”—“response-able,” able to choose your own response. That is the essence of proactivity.

That vision of the Smith Team helped us through what was the greatest challenge our family had ever faced.

The way you treat any relationship in the family will eventually affect every relationship in the family.

I’m convinced you would be hard-pressed to come up with a deposit that has more impact in the family than making and keeping promises.

As Goethe said, 'Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be, and he will become as he can and should be.

This was one of the most exciting things that developed out of our family mission statement work— the creation of this social will, this sense of “we.” This is our decision, our determination. This is what we have decided we are going to be and to do.

This coming together—this sharing and agreeing upon role expectations, problem-solving strategies, vision and values in a relationship —is called “co-missioning.” In other words, it’s a commingling or joining of missions or purposes.

This was their creation, not merely something we dictated. No suggestion was dismissed lightly. This was important business, and we treated the process with respect. We enjoyed talking together about what we really wanted our family to be.

A mission statement doesn’t have to be some big, formal document. It can even be a word or a phrase, or something creative and entirely different such as an image or a symbol.

With a clear sense of shared vision and values, you can be very demanding when it comes to standards. You can have the courage to hold your children accountable and to let them experience the consequences of their actions.

The family mission statement literally becomes the DNA of family life.

If you carefully consider the problems people face in marriage, you will find that in almost every case they arise out of conflicting role expectations and are exacerbated by conflicting problem-solving strategies.

A clear sense of personal vision can be an enormous help to you—or any member of your family, including even young children—in knowing and doing what really matters most.

I have climbed the ladder of success, and as I’m getting near the top rung, I realize that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall. It’s not in money; it’s not in positions. It’s in this family relationship.

The rewards of home and family are almost all intrinsic. You’re not paid to do it. You don’t get prestige out of doing it. No one cheers you on in the role. As a parent your compensation is the satisfaction that comes from playing a significant role in influencing a life for good that no one else can fill.

If we had it to do over, we would put a higher priority on our family, on these children—particularly when they were little. We would have made a greater investment.

Children learn the most important lessons not from Power Rangers or even Big Bird but from a loving family who reads with them, talks to them, works with them, listens to them, and spends happy time with them. When children feel loved, really loved, they thrive!

By creating and living by a mission statement, families are gradually able to build moral authority in the family itself. This planning also made a big difference to me because it helped me commit to do what I really wanted to do but often didn’t do because of the pressure of the moment.

If we do not teach our children, society will. And they—and we—will live with the results.

Any change—even a tiny one—in your direction today will make a significant difference hundreds of miles down the road.

One-on-ones are where most of the real work of the family is done. This is where there is the deepest nurturing of heart and soul.

The greatest thing you can do for your children is love your spouse.

People don’t act on what they know; they act on how they feel about what they know and about themselves. If they can come to feel good about themselves and about the relationship, they are encouraged to act on what they know.

Eventually, by making and keeping promises, your sense of honor will become greater than your moods or any baggage you may carry with you.

Really, the only long-term viable alternative is win-win. In fact, it is the essence of a beautiful family culture. Both win-lose and lose-win will ultimately result in lose-lose.

Synergy is a situation in which one plus one equals at least three. It is the highest, most productive and satisfying level of human interdependence.

This abundance mentality is the spirit of “family.” It’s the spirit of “we.” And this is what marriage and family are all about.

Parenting is not about being popular and giving in to every child’s whim and desire. It’s about making decisions that truly are win-win—however they may appear to the child at the time.

The key is in creating clear expectations up front, and family “win-win agreements” can help you do this.

The best thing about this whole experience is that the agreement helped me be calm and let them learn. They chose; they got the consequence. I was loving, I was supportive, but I didn’t get in the way.

People do not see the world as it is; they see it as they are—or as they have been conditioned to be.

And until we gain the capacity to step out of our own autobiography—to set aside our own glasses and really see the world through the eyes of others—we will never be able to build deep, authentic relationships and have the capacity to influence in positive ways.

There’s no way to have rich, rewarding family relationships without real understanding.

Most mistakes with our children, with our spouses, with all family members are not the result of bad intent. It’s just that we really don’t understand. We don’t see clearly into one another’s hearts.

The deepest hunger of the human heart is to be understood. Next to physical survival, our strongest need is psychological survival.

Creating a warm, caring, supportive, encouraging environment is probably the most important thing you can do for your family. This is why it is so important to create a loving, nurturing environment in the home—an environment where it is safe to be vulnerable, to be open.

Most of us either seek first to be understood, or if we do seek to understand, we are often preparing our response as we “listen.” So we evaluate, advise, probe, or interpret from our own point of view. And none of these is an understanding response. They all come out of our autobiography, our world, our values.

When you give an understanding response, both of you gain a greater understanding of what she’s really thinking and feeling. You make it safe for her to open up and share. You make it comfortable for her to engage her own inner gifts to help deal with the concern. And you build the relationship, which will prove immensely helpful further down the road.

Always ask yourself, “Will this feedback really be helpful to this person, or does it just fulfill my own need to set this person straight?” If there’ s any anger inside you, it’s probably not the time or the place to give feedback.

Separate the person from the behavior. We might judge the behavior against standards and principles. We might describe our feelings and observe the consequences of this behavior. But we must absolutely refuse to put a label on another person.

Use “I” messages. When you give feedback, it’s important to remember that you’re sharing your own perception—the way you see the world. So give “I” messages: “This is my perception.” “My concern is…” “This is how I see it.” “This is the way I feel.” “This is what I observed.

Synergy is the summum bonum —the supreme or highest fruit—of all the habits. It’s the magic that happens when one plus one equals three—or more. And it happens because the relationship between the parts is a part itself.

The key to creating synergy is in learning to value—even celebrate—the difference.

To understand that reality—and to adjust expectations accordingly—is, to a great extent, to control our own satisfaction. Our expectations are also the basis for our judgments.

It’s not enough to simply tolerate differences in the family. You can’t just accept differences. You can’t just diversify family functions to accommodate differences. To have the kind of creative magic we’re talking about, you must actually celebrate differences.

Synergy unleashes tremendous capacity. It gives birth to new ideas. It brings you together in new multidimensional ways, making huge deposits in the Emotional Bank Account because creating something new with someone else is enormously bonding.

The key to your family culture is how you treat the child that tests you the most. When you can show unconditional love to your most difficult child, others know that your love for them is also unconditional. And that knowledge builds trust.

Some say that feedback is the “breakfast of champions.” But it isn’t. Vision is the breakfast. Feedback is the lunch. Self-correction is the dinner.

This is the synergy that comes through a complementary approach—an approach in which one person’s strength is utilized and his or her weaknesses are made irrelevant by the strength of another.

This approach requires significant self-awareness. When a person is aware of a weakness, it instills humility sufficient to seek another’s strength to compensate for it.

Always be aware that happiness does not come from money, possessions, or fame; it comes from the quality of relationships with the people you love and respect.

All of them develop an intrinsic sense of personal and family worth that is independent of others and of the environment—even though it manifests itself in relationships and in the environment.

Through traditions you reinforce the connection of the family. You give a feeling of belonging, of being supported, of being understood. You are committed to one another. You are a part of something that’s greater than yourself.

The main point is that renewing family traditions will help you create and nurture a beautiful family culture that encourages you to keep on track and keeps family members coming back to the flight plan time and time again.

The added social dimension of “family” makes doing everything more exciting and more fun because you have someone special to share it with. In fact, those family bonds are often even more important than the event itself.

To celebrate a birthday is to celebrate the person. It’s a wonderful opportunity to express love and affirmation and make huge deposits into the Emotional Bank Account.

Holidays provide an ideal time to build traditions. They happen every year. It’s easy to create a sense of anticipation and fun as well as meaning and camaraderie around them.

We find that with these kinds of intergenerational activities, siblings and cousins usually end up the best of friends. We feel a great sense of strength in and appreciation for the members of our extended and intergenerational families. We firmly believe they go a long way toward reweaving the safety net that’s become unraveled in society.

Learning together can be a wonderful tradition and one of the greatest joys of family life. It also affirms that when you raise your children you are also raising your grandchildren.