Greene dismantles the conventional notion that treating children fairly means treating them identically, offering instead a radical redefinition: 'Fair does not mean equal. As parents, we're going to do everything possible to make sure that each child gets what they need, which will be different for each child.' This principle transforms sibling dynamics from competition for equal treatment to understanding that everyone has different lagging skills and unsolved problems. When one child needs Plan B for homework struggles while another doesn't, it's not favoritism—it's responsive parenting. This approach teaches all children that fairness means everyone gets their needs met, not that everyone gets identical treatment. The sibling dialogue about toy-sharing demonstrates how this principle can be explicitly taught, with children learning to problem-solve together rather than demanding identical rules. | Ross W Greene PhD | The Explosive Child

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Fair Doesn't Mean Equal

Greene dismantles the conventional notion that treating children fairly means treating them identically, offering instead a radical redefinition: 'Fair does not mean equal. As parents, we're going to do everything possible to make sure that each child gets what they need, which will be different for each child.' This principle transforms sibling dynamics from competition for equal treatment to understanding that everyone has different lagging skills and unsolved problems. When one child needs Plan B for homework struggles while another doesn't, it's not favoritism—it's responsive parenting. This approach teaches all children that fairness means everyone gets their needs met, not that everyone gets identical treatment. The sibling dialogue about toy-sharing demonstrates how this principle can be explicitly taught, with children learning to problem-solve together rather than demanding identical rules.

-- Ross W Greene PhD