The Explosive Child

Picture this: Your child explodes over seemingly trivial things—the wrong breakfast, a change in plans, or being asked to turn off a video game. You've tried everything: time-outs, sticker charts, consequences, even medication. Nothing works. In fact, things seem to be getting worse. What if everything you've been taught about managing difficult behavior is not just wrong, but actively harmful? In 'The Explosive Child,' clinical psychologist Dr. Ross W. Greene presents a revolutionary thesis that challenges decades of conventional parenting wisdom: Children's concerning behaviors are not signs of willfulness or manipulation, but rather indicators that they are having difficulty meeting certain expectations. This simple yet profound shift in perspective transforms how we understand and respond to challenging children. Dr. Greene, who has worked with thousands of explosive children and their families at Harvard Medical School and other institutions, discovered that traditional disciplinary approaches fail because they're based on a fundamental misunderstanding. While most parenting advice assumes children misbehave because they lack motivation ("kids do well if they want to"), Greene demonstrates that children actually lack crucial cognitive skills—flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving abilities. Just as we wouldn't punish a child with dyslexia for struggling to read, we shouldn't punish children who lack these developmental skills. This book offers more than theory—it provides a practical, step-by-step approach called Plan B (collaborative problem-solving) that has transformed countless families from daily battles to peaceful cooperation. Parents report not just fewer explosions, but children who become active participants in solving their own challenges. As one mother discovered after years of failed interventions: "We've been focused on her behavior, when we should have been focused on solving the problems that cause her behavior." Whether you're a parent at wit's end, a teacher struggling with classroom disruptions, or a professional working with challenging children, this book offers hope grounded in neuroscience and proven through practice. In an era where childhood behavioral diagnoses are skyrocketing, Greene's approach offers a compassionate, effective alternative to the exhausting cycle of punishment and escalation.

Key Ideas:

1. Kids Do Well If They Can: This revolutionary philosophy transforms how we view challenging behavior by replacing the traditional assumption that 'kids do well if they want to' with the evidence-based understanding that children's concerning behaviors signal missing skills, not manipulation or defiance. Just as we wouldn't blame a child with dyslexia for struggling to read, Greene argues we shouldn't blame children who lack flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving skills for their explosive behaviors. When Jennifer explodes over frozen waffles, it's not about the waffles—it's about her inability to flexibly adapt when her rigid expectations are disrupted. As Greene states: 'Kids who exhibit concerning behaviors are compromised in the global skills of flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, emotion regulation, and problem solving.' This paradigm shift moves us from asking 'What's wrong with this child?' to 'What skills is this child missing?' fundamentally changing our response from punishment to skill-building.

2. Behaviors Are Signals, Not Problems: In a radical departure from behavior-focused interventions, Greene reveals that concerning behaviors—whether hitting, screaming, or withdrawing—are merely communication signals indicating a child is having difficulty meeting certain expectations. The behaviors themselves aren't the problem; they're valuable data pointing to specific unsolved problems. Greene emphasizes: 'What those behaviors are telling us is that your child is having difficulty meeting certain expectations.' This insight transforms every meltdown from a disciplinary issue into diagnostic information. When parents complete the ALSUP (Assessment of Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems), they often discover their child has dozens of specific, predictable triggers—from 'difficulty transitioning from video games' to 'difficulty sharing toys with siblings.' By focusing on solving these underlying problems rather than punishing the surface behaviors, parents address root causes instead of endlessly managing symptoms.

3. Traditional Discipline Makes Things Worse: Greene delivers a counterintuitive truth that challenges decades of parenting wisdom: standard disciplinary approaches—time-outs, sticker charts, consequences, and punishments—not only fail with explosive children but often escalate problems. Why? Because these methods assume the child has the skills but lacks motivation, when the opposite is true. As Greene notes: 'The vast majority of kids with concerning behaviors I've worked with over the years had already endured more than their fair share of consequences. If all those consequences were going to work, they would have worked a long time ago.' When Debbie reflects on eight years of failed interventions with Jennifer—'setting firmer limits, dutifully doling out happy faces, and administering a cornucopia of medicines'—she realizes these approaches failed because they were trying to motivate a child who already wanted to do well but lacked the skills. Punishing a child for lacking skills they don't possess creates a toxic cycle of failure and resentment.

4. Plan B: Collaboration Replaces Control: Greene introduces a revolutionary alternative to traditional authority-based parenting through Plan B—a collaborative problem-solving approach that maintains parental leadership while building children's skills. Unlike Plan A (imposing adult solutions), Plan B involves three steps: the Empathy step (understanding the child's concerns), the Define Adult Concerns step (explaining why the expectation matters), and the Invitation step (collaborating on mutually satisfactory solutions). This isn't permissive parenting—it's strategic leadership. As Greene explains: 'You're going to feel a lot more in charge than you do now.' The parking lot example illustrates this beautifully: instead of forcing hand-holding, the parent discovers Chris feels treated 'like a baby' and they collaboratively find a solution (holding the belt loop) that addresses both safety concerns and the child's need for autonomy. Plan B transforms power struggles into skill-building opportunities.

5. Unsolved Problems Are Predictable, Not Random: Perhaps the most empowering insight is that explosive episodes aren't unpredictable 'out of the blue' events but highly predictable responses to specific unsolved problems. Greene reveals: 'Most kids with concerning behaviors are reliably set off by the same five or six (or ten or twelve) problems every day or every week.' This transforms crisis management into crisis prevention. Parents can proactively identify and solve problems during calm moments rather than desperately trying to manage explosions. The ALSUP tool systematically maps both the skills a child lacks and the specific situations where they struggle. As Greene emphasizes: 'By the time she's going nuts it's already too late.' This predictability means parents can shift from reactive punishment to proactive problem-solving, addressing issues when everyone's thinking clearly rather than in the heat of the moment.

6. Safety Issues Are Actually Plan A Issues: In a profound reframe, Greene reveals that most 'safety issues' with explosive children aren't inherent to the child but are triggered by adults using Plan A (imposing their will). He states: 'since a high percentage of challenging episodes are precipitated by an adult using Plan A, using Plan B instead of Plan A should make a major dent in the frequency of safety issues.' This shifts responsibility from the child's 'dangerous behavior' to the adult's approach. When parents worry about safety, they often become more controlling, which paradoxically creates the very explosions they're trying to prevent. The insight here is revolutionary: collaborative problem-solving doesn't compromise safety—it enhances it by preventing the power struggles that lead to unsafe situations. This transforms safety from a justification for control into another problem to be solved collaboratively.

7. Fair Doesn't Mean Equal: Greene dismantles the conventional notion that treating children fairly means treating them identically, offering instead a radical redefinition: 'Fair does not mean equal. As parents, we're going to do everything possible to make sure that each child gets what they need, which will be different for each child.' This principle transforms sibling dynamics from competition for equal treatment to understanding that everyone has different lagging skills and unsolved problems. When one child needs Plan B for homework struggles while another doesn't, it's not favoritism—it's responsive parenting. This approach teaches all children that fairness means everyone gets their needs met, not that everyone gets identical treatment. The sibling dialogue about toy-sharing demonstrates how this principle can be explicitly taught, with children learning to problem-solve together rather than demanding identical rules.

Practical Tips:

1. Map Your Child's Predictable Triggers: Use the ALSUP tool to identify your child's specific unsolved problems by writing them precisely, starting with 'Difficulty...' followed by a verb (e.g., 'Difficulty sharing toys with brother in playroom'). Focus only on the unmet expectation, not the behavior. This exercise reveals that most explosions happen around the same 5-10 recurring issues, making them preventable through proactive problem-solving rather than reactive punishment.

2. Schedule Problem-Solving Appointments: Give advance notice before problem-solving conversations: 'I've noticed we've been having some difficulty with bedtime. Could we talk about it after dinner tomorrow?' This respects the child's autonomy and allows mental preparation, dramatically reducing defensive responses. Treat these like important meetings—perhaps Sunday mornings or after-school snacks—creating predictable times when concerns will be heard without requiring escalation.

3. Master the Art of Drilling for Information: When your child responds with vague answers like 'It's too hard,' use reflective listening ('It's too hard... what part is too hard?') followed by clarifying questions beginning with who, what, where, or when. Break complex problems into components—if getting ready for school is hard, which specific part is challenging? This drilling transforms surface responses into actionable insights like 'I can't think of the words to start each section of my essay.'

4. Test Solutions Against Two Criteria: Before implementing any solution, explicitly discuss whether it's both realistic (can both parties actually do what they're agreeing to?) and mutually satisfactory (does it truly address both sets of concerns?). Never accept 'trying harder' as a solution—it's wishful thinking, not problem-solving. If a solution fails either test, keep collaborating until you find one that passes both.

5. Create a Visual Problem-Solving System: For children with communication challenges, develop a problem-solving binder with laminated cards showing common problems (hungry, hot, frustrated) and potential solutions. Start with just 3-5 basic problems and their visual solutions. This concrete system helps children participate in Plan B even without words, making abstract problems and solutions tangible and accessible while building their problem-solving repertoire.

Key Quotes:

• Kids do well if they can. So, he's not exhibiting concerning behaviors on purpose? No. The kids about whom this book is written do not choose to exhibit concerning behaviors any more than a child would choose to have a reading disability.

• What those behaviors are telling us is that your child is having difficulty meeting certain expectations.

• We've been focused on her behavior, when we should have been focused on solving the problems that cause her behavior.

• The vast majority of kids with concerning behaviors I've worked with over the years had already endured more than their fair share of consequences. If all those consequences were going to work, they would have worked a long time ago.

• Your child is your best source on what's making it difficult for them to meet a given expectation. Even if your child is a reluctant talker. Even if your child is nonspeaking.

• Plan B isn't something you do two or three times before returning to your old way of doing things. It's not a technique; it's a way of life.

• If a kid is getting their concerns on the table, taking yours into account, and working collaboratively toward solutions that work for both of you... then you can rest assured that she's being held accountable.

• If pain were going to work, it would have worked a long time ago.

• Which skill set is more important for life in the real world: the blind adherence to authority taught with Plan A, or identifying and articulating one's concerns, taking others' concerns into account, and working toward solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory with Plan B?

• Don't try so hard to get your kid to talk today that you decrease the likelihood that they'll talk to you tomorrow. There's always tomorrow.

• Good solutions—durable ones—are usually refined versions of the solutions that came before them.

• Fair does not mean equal. As parents, we're going to do everything possible to make sure that each child gets what they need, which will be different for each child.

• Unsolved problems always take more time than solved problems. Doing something that isn't working always takes more time than doing something that will work.

• Solved problems aren't energy-drainers, only unsolved problems are.

• A mental health degree is not a prerequisite for solving problems collaboratively. Most mental health professionals don't have training in solving problems collaboratively either.

• The school discipline program isn't the reason well-behaved students behave well. They behave well because they can.

• Concerning behaviors provide very important information about unsolved problems you may have missed or failed to prioritize. That's perhaps the only useful thing about such behaviors: they let you know there's still work to be done to prevent the same problem from recurring.

• If adults automatically assume that such kids can't participate, then the kids are relegated to the sidelines as decisions are made about how their problems are to be solved.

• By the time she's going nuts it's already too late.

• The number one complaint I get from kids is that their parents don't listen; and the number one complaint I get from parents is that their kids won't talk to them.