Daniel J. Siegel

From your hub you noticed the rim points on your own wheel of awareness, and you became aware of what you were experiencing.

Teach her that she can gain control over an experience by retelling the story.

Any healthy relationship—whether it’s family, friendship, romantic, or otherwise—is made up of healthy individuals in connection with others.

Connect Before You Redirect

Understanding the differences between the left and right sides of the brain can significantly impact how we respond to emotional situations with our children. Tina's son's outburst serves as a prime example where emotions (right-brain) were overwhelming logic (left-brain). The authors emphasize that a logical, left-brain response in such cases would be counterproductive. Instead, using the 'connect-and-redirect' technique by acknowledging and addressing the emotional needs first can help calm the child. Tina's approach of pulling her son close, using soothing nonverbal signals, and empathizing with his feelings showcases this method effectively. 'By connecting with him, right brain to right brain, she was able to communicate that she was tuned in to how he was feeling.'

Highlight the subtle but important distinction between 'I feel sad' and 'I am sad.

When neurons fire together, they grow new connections between them. Over time, the connections that result from firing lead to 'rewiring' in the brain.

Receptivity vs. Reactivity in Relationships

One of the fundamental concepts in this chunk is the distinction between a reactive and a receptive state of mind, particularly in the context of children's relationships. Being in a reactive state, driven by the 'downstairs brain' with its fight-flight-freeze response, makes one defensive and closed-off. On the other hand, a receptive state, governed by the 'upstairs brain,' allows for openness and connection. This concept is illustrated through an exercise where saying 'no' several times creates tension, while saying 'yes' induces calmness. 'When our entire focus is on self-defense, no matter what we do, we stay in that reactive, 'no' state of mind.' Recognizing whether a child is in a reactive or receptive state can guide parents on how to approach them effectively.

A powerful way to help a child regain upstairs-downstairs balance is to have him move his body.

By returning to your hub and shifting your focus, you can begin to experience joy and gratitude about getting to parent your children—just by paying attention and deciding to direct your attention to new rim points.

By teaching our children to SIFT through the activity of their mind, we can help them recognize the different rim points at work within them, and help them gain more insight and control in their lives.

When you give your children lots of practice at remembering—by having them tell and retell their own stories—you improve their ability to integrate implicit and explicit memories.

When your child is upset, connect first emotionally, right brain to right brain.

Help your child tell the story about what’s upsetting him. In doing so, he’ll use his left brain to make sense of his experience and feel more in control.

Mindsight exercises lead to integration, because as you know, where we focus our attention, neurons fire and become active, then wire to other neurons.

Playful parenting is one of the best ways to prepare your children for relationships and encourage them to connect with others.

The act of considering the mind of another requires us to use our right hemisphere and our upstairs brain, both of which are part of the social circuitry that allows us to enjoy mature and fulfilling relationships.

A mere time-out might or might not teach Colin not to remove his brother’s things without permission, but it wouldn’t generalize into a mindsight skill.

Simply by asking questions and encouraging recollection, you can help your kids remember and understand important events from the past, which will help them better understand what’s happening to them in the present.

When right and left brain are integrated, we can approach parenting from both a grounded, left-brained, rational place... and from a right-brained, emotionally connected place.

When our entire focus is on self-defense, no matter what we do, we stay in that reactive, 'no' state of mind.

We don’t want our kids to be only individualistic, leaving them selfish and isolated, or only relational, leaving them needy and vulnerable.

Your first task, when your child’s upstairs brain has been hijacked by his downstairs brain, is to help calm his amygdala.

One of the best ways to promote integration in our children is to become better integrated ourselves.

Handling conflict well isn’t easy, even for adults, so we can’t expect too much of our children. But there are some simple skills we can teach them that will help us all survive individual conflicts, as well as help our children thrive as they move toward adulthood.

When big, right-brain emotions are raging out of control, help your kids tell the story about what’s upsetting them, so their left brain can help make sense of their experience and they can feel more in control.

When you understand a little bit about your children’s emotional needs and mental states, you can create this kind of positive outcome—even without United Nations peacekeeping forces.

By connecting with him, right brain to right brain, she was able to communicate that she was tuned in to how he was feeling.

When children experience a particular state of mind, such as feeling frustrated or lonely, they may be tempted to define themselves based on that temporary experience.

Neurons that fire together wire together.

Our job is to provide our kids with opportunity after opportunity to exercise their upstairs brain so that it can grow stronger and more powerful.

Memory is the way an event from the past influences us in the present.

Integration of Survive and Thrive Moments

The core concept of 'The Whole-Brain Child' revolves around transforming challenging situations—those 'survive' moments—into opportunities to help your child 'thrive.' The authors stress that the difficult and stressful interactions with your child aren't separate from nurturing their growth. 'When your child is disrespectful and talks back to you,... these are survive moments, no question about it. But at the same time, they are opportunities—even gifts.' For instance, rather than merely stopping a sibling fight, parents can turn the moment into a lesson about reflective listening and conflict resolution. This integration helps turn everyday struggles into learning experiences.

The Power of Storytelling

One of the most impactful tools parents have is storytelling, which helps children process their emotions and experiences by engaging both sides of their brain. For example, the book discusses how Thomas helped his daughter Katie overcome her fear of going to school by narrating the event where she got sick. By detailing the sequence— 'First, we got ready for school, didn’t we? Remember, you wanted to wear your red pants...' —Thomas allowed Katie to use her left brain to logically piece together what happened. This balanced her overwhelming right-brain emotions and helped her make sense of her fear. 'What kids often need, especially when they experience strong emotions, is to have someone help them use their left brain to make sense of what’s going on.'

Developing Empathy in Children

One of the primary insights from this chapter is the importance of helping children develop empathy. Ron and Sandy, for example, struggled with their son Colin's inability to consider others' feelings, which led to conflicts, such as the redecorating disaster in Logan's room. 'Sometimes we fear that because they’re not as kind (or compassionate or grateful or generous) as we want them to be, they never will be.' Colin's self-centered actions were not out of malice but rather a lack of empathy, illustrating that children need guidance and practice to cultivate these traits.

Encourage Perspective-Taking

Regularly prompt children to think about how others might feel in various situations. This can be as simple as asking, 'How do you think your friend felt when you took the last toy?'

Use Guided Imagery for Relaxation

Introduce practices like guided imagery to help children shift their focus to calming thoughts. This can be a powerful tool for managing anxiety and stress.

Create Fun Family Traditions

Implement regular enjoyable activities such as game nights or impromptu fort-building sessions to strengthen family bonds and create positive memories.

When we help our kids integrate their past into their present, they can then make sense of what’s going on inside them and gain control over how they think and behave.

When we become aware of the multitude of changing emotions and forces at work around us and within us, we can acknowledge them and even embrace them as parts of ourselves—but we don’t have to allow them to bully us or define us.

By introducing them to the remote of the mind, which controls their internal DVD player, you make the storytelling process much less scary, because you offer them some control over what they deal with, so they can interact with it at their own pace.

The goal is to help your kids take the troubling experiences...and make those experiences explicit so that the whole picture in the puzzle can be seen with clarity and meaning.

Encourage empathy and self-understanding through reflective dialogues about how others feel, and your child’s own intentions, desires, and beliefs.

When we direct our attention in a new way, we are actually creating a new experience that can change both the activity and ultimately the structure of the brain itself.

Integration takes the distinct parts of your brain and helps them work together as a whole.

By focusing on your breath, you can at least begin to get back to the hub of your mind.

The moments you are just trying to survive are actually opportunities to help your child thrive.

Simply by asking questions and encouraging recollection, you can help your kids remember and understand important events from the past.

Mirror neurons may allow us not only to imitate others’ behaviors, but actually to resonate with their feelings.

The kinds of relationships they experience will lay the groundwork for how they relate to others for the rest of their lives.

By making sense of your past you can free yourself from what might otherwise be a cross-generational legacy of pain and insecure attachment.

Help your kids use both the logical left brain and the emotional right brain as a team.

The brain is a social organ, made to be in relationship.

When we help our children name their pain and their fears, we help them tame them.

The more your kids think about what’s going on within themselves, the more they will develop the ability to understand and respond to what’s going on in the worlds within and around them.

To become a part of a well-functioning ‘we,’ a person needs also to remain an individual ‘me.

Every whole-brain strategy offers practical steps you can take right now to make your life as a family better and more manageable.

When big, right-brain emotions are raging out of control, help your kids tell the story about what’s upsetting them.

Connect first, then redirect.

When your child is upset, connect first emotionally, right brain to right brain. Then, once she is more in control and receptive, bring in the left-brain lessons and discipline.

You need to understand some basics about the young brain that you are helping to grow and develop.

When we undergo an experience, our brain cells—called neurons—become active, or 'fire.' The connections that result from firing lead to ‘rewiring’ in the brain.

When a child is upset, logic often won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’s emotional needs.

It’s crucial to keep in mind that no matter how nonsensical and frustrating our child’s feelings may seem to us, they are real and important to our child.

We understand that it’s generally a good idea to discuss misbehavior and its consequences after the child has calmed down, since moments of emotional flooding are not the best times for lessons to be learned.

By helping our kids connect left and right, we give them a better chance of avoiding the banks of chaos and rigidity, and of living in the flexible current of mental health and happiness.

Help your child become aware of and talk about her internal world. Ask questions that guide her toward noticing bodily sensations, mental images, feelings, and thoughts.

Feelings need to be recognized for what they are: temporary, changing conditions. They are states, not traits.

A good technique is to have them lie down and place a toy...on their stomach. Ask them to focus on the boat, watching it rise and fall as it rides the waves of breath.

When you notice that your mind is wandering and you’re thinking about something else or starting to worry, just go back to focusing on your breath.

When it comes to your children, you’re aiming a lot higher than mere survival.

Intentional Discipline

The book emphasizes the concept of intentional discipline, which focuses on guiding children's behavior while nurturing their emotional development. Instead of reacting on autopilot, parents should understand their child's emotions and developmental stage. For example, rather than immediately punishing a child for hitting, parents should first understand the underlying emotions. Siegel writes, 'What’s needed is a clear understanding of what you actually want to accomplish when your child misbehaves.' This approach helps teach constructive lessons and fosters long-term emotional growth.

Connection Before Correction

Connecting emotionally with your child before attempting to correct their behavior is crucial. This technique, termed 'connect and redirect,' ensures that the child feels understood and valued, creating a receptive environment for guidance. The authors state, 'The first step in effective discipline is to connect with our children emotionally.' By calming the child and making them feel secure, parents can more effectively redirect behavior and teach valuable lessons.

Understanding the Developing Brain

Recognizing that children's brains are developing and changeable is essential for effective discipline. Siegel explains, 'We need to work hard to understand our children’s points of view, their developmental stage, and what they are ultimately capable of.' This understanding helps parents set realistic expectations and provide appropriate guidance. For instance, a child's ability to control emotions can vary based on factors like fatigue or stress, necessitating a flexible approach to discipline.

Empathy and Emotional Regulation

Empathy plays a vital role in helping children regulate their emotions and develop better behavior. By acknowledging and validating their feelings, parents can help children understand and manage their emotions. The book states, 'You can feel whatever you feel, but you can’t always do whatever you want to do.' This approach teaches children that while their emotions are valid, their actions must be controlled, fostering emotional intelligence and self-regulation.

Repairing Ruptures

Addressing and repairing conflicts in the parent-child relationship is crucial for emotional and psychological development. The authors emphasize, 'It's our responsibility as parents to do this. Maybe we reconnect by granting forgiveness, or by asking for it.' Repairing ruptures not only restores the relationship but also models healthy conflict resolution for children, teaching them to handle disagreements constructively.

Harnessing Neuroplasticity

The book highlights the brain's neuroplasticity, the ability to change and adapt throughout life. This principle reassures parents that it is never too late to make positive changes in their disciplinary approaches. 'Neuroplasticity shows us that the brain is amazingly changeable and adaptive across a lifetime.' By focusing on connection rather than punishment, parents can shape their child's brain development in ways that foster emotional intelligence and resilience.

Consistency with Flexibility

While consistency in parenting is important, it should not mean rigidity. Siegel and Bryson argue, 'Consistency means working from a reliable and coherent philosophy so that our kids know what we expect of them.' Effective parenting allows for flexibility, understanding that sometimes making exceptions or letting minor infractions slide can be more beneficial. This approach communicates respect and understanding, building a stronger parent-child relationship.

Use Empathy First

Recognize that children's outbursts often signal a need for connection. Start with empathy to make them feel seen and understood before moving on to discipline.

Set Clear and Consistent Boundaries

Clearly communicate the rules and follow through with consequences in a calm manner. This helps children understand and respect the boundaries in place.

Practice Response Flexibility

Pause before reacting to your child's behavior. This allows you to choose the best response rather than acting on impulse.

Reconnect Quickly After Conflicts

After a rupture, it's crucial to repair the relationship as soon as possible. This can be done by offering or asking for forgiveness, listening to the child’s feelings, and acknowledging any mistakes made.

Teach Emotional Self-Regulation

Introduce your children to simple mindsight tools to help them understand and manage their emotions. For example, teach them to observe their emotions and physical sensations, and then choose a response based on this awareness.

Our overall goal is not to punish or to give a consequence, but to teach.

The first step in effective discipline is to connect with our children emotionally.

What’s needed is a clear understanding of what you actually want to accomplish when your child misbehaves.

By asking ourselves these three questions…we can more easily shift out of autopilot mode.

A huge percentage of misbehavior is more about can’t than won’t.

The brain interprets pain as a threat. So when a parent inflicts physical pain on a child, that child faces an unsolvable biological paradox.

No-Drama Discipline actually builds a child’s brain. It strengthens neural connections between the upstairs and downstairs parts of the brain, and these connections lead to personal insight, responsibility, flexible decision making, empathy, and morality.

When your child is at his worst, that’s when he needs you the most. To connect is to share in your child’s experience, to be present with him, to walk through this difficult time with him.

Human behavior is purpose-driven most of the time.

What we say to our kids is of course important. But you know that just as important, if not more important, is how we say it.

Remember, there are plenty of ways to spoil children—by giving them too many things [...]—but we can never spoil them by giving them too much of our love and attention.

Every time a child gets specific and discusses his own emotional experience, he gains more insight into himself and deepens his own self-understanding.

You can feel whatever you feel, but you can’t always do whatever you want to do.

In emphasizing the positive, you give your focus and attention to the behaviors you want to see repeated.

Neuroplasticity shows us that the brain is amazingly changeable and adaptive across a lifetime. You can change the way you discipline at any age—yours or your child’s.

Our overall goal is not to punish or to give a consequence, but to teach.

The first step in effective discipline is to connect with our children emotionally.

What’s needed is a clear understanding of what you actually want to accomplish when your child misbehaves.

By asking ourselves these three questions…we can more easily shift out of autopilot mode.

A huge percentage of misbehavior is more about can’t than won’t.

The brain interprets pain as a threat. So when a parent inflicts physical pain on a child, that child faces an unsolvable biological paradox.

No-Drama Discipline actually builds a child’s brain. It strengthens neural connections between the upstairs and downstairs parts of the brain, and these connections lead to personal insight, responsibility, flexible decision making, empathy, and morality.

When your child is at his worst, that’s when he needs you the most. To connect is to share in your child’s experience, to be present with him, to walk through this difficult time with him.

Human behavior is purpose-driven most of the time.

What we say to our kids is of course important. But you know that just as important, if not more important, is how we say it.

Remember, there are plenty of ways to spoil children—by giving them too many things [...]—but we can never spoil them by giving them too much of our love and attention.

Every time a child gets specific and discusses his own emotional experience, he gains more insight into himself and deepens his own self-understanding.

You can feel whatever you feel, but you can’t always do whatever you want to do.

In emphasizing the positive, you give your focus and attention to the behaviors you want to see repeated.

Neuroplasticity shows us that the brain is amazingly changeable and adaptive across a lifetime. You can change the way you discipline at any age—yours or your child’s.

From your hub you noticed the rim points on your own wheel of awareness, and you became aware of what you were experiencing.

Teach her that she can gain control over an experience by retelling the story.

Any healthy relationship—whether it’s family, friendship, romantic, or otherwise—is made up of healthy individuals in connection with others.

Highlight the subtle but important distinction between 'I feel sad' and 'I am sad.

When neurons fire together, they grow new connections between them. Over time, the connections that result from firing lead to 'rewiring' in the brain.

A powerful way to help a child regain upstairs-downstairs balance is to have him move his body.

By returning to your hub and shifting your focus, you can begin to experience joy and gratitude about getting to parent your children—just by paying attention and deciding to direct your attention to new rim points.

By teaching our children to SIFT through the activity of their mind, we can help them recognize the different rim points at work within them, and help them gain more insight and control in their lives.

When you give your children lots of practice at remembering—by having them tell and retell their own stories—you improve their ability to integrate implicit and explicit memories.

When your child is upset, connect first emotionally, right brain to right brain.

Help your child tell the story about what’s upsetting him. In doing so, he’ll use his left brain to make sense of his experience and feel more in control.

Mindsight exercises lead to integration, because as you know, where we focus our attention, neurons fire and become active, then wire to other neurons.

Playful parenting is one of the best ways to prepare your children for relationships and encourage them to connect with others.

The act of considering the mind of another requires us to use our right hemisphere and our upstairs brain, both of which are part of the social circuitry that allows us to enjoy mature and fulfilling relationships.

A mere time-out might or might not teach Colin not to remove his brother’s things without permission, but it wouldn’t generalize into a mindsight skill.

Simply by asking questions and encouraging recollection, you can help your kids remember and understand important events from the past, which will help them better understand what’s happening to them in the present.

When right and left brain are integrated, we can approach parenting from both a grounded, left-brained, rational place... and from a right-brained, emotionally connected place.

When our entire focus is on self-defense, no matter what we do, we stay in that reactive, 'no' state of mind.

We don’t want our kids to be only individualistic, leaving them selfish and isolated, or only relational, leaving them needy and vulnerable.

Your first task, when your child’s upstairs brain has been hijacked by his downstairs brain, is to help calm his amygdala.

One of the best ways to promote integration in our children is to become better integrated ourselves.

Handling conflict well isn’t easy, even for adults, so we can’t expect too much of our children. But there are some simple skills we can teach them that will help us all survive individual conflicts, as well as help our children thrive as they move toward adulthood.

When big, right-brain emotions are raging out of control, help your kids tell the story about what’s upsetting them, so their left brain can help make sense of their experience and they can feel more in control.

When you understand a little bit about your children’s emotional needs and mental states, you can create this kind of positive outcome—even without United Nations peacekeeping forces.

By connecting with him, right brain to right brain, she was able to communicate that she was tuned in to how he was feeling.

When children experience a particular state of mind, such as feeling frustrated or lonely, they may be tempted to define themselves based on that temporary experience.

Neurons that fire together wire together.

Our job is to provide our kids with opportunity after opportunity to exercise their upstairs brain so that it can grow stronger and more powerful.

Memory is the way an event from the past influences us in the present.

When we help our kids integrate their past into their present, they can then make sense of what’s going on inside them and gain control over how they think and behave.

When we become aware of the multitude of changing emotions and forces at work around us and within us, we can acknowledge them and even embrace them as parts of ourselves—but we don’t have to allow them to bully us or define us.

By introducing them to the remote of the mind, which controls their internal DVD player, you make the storytelling process much less scary, because you offer them some control over what they deal with, so they can interact with it at their own pace.

The goal is to help your kids take the troubling experiences...and make those experiences explicit so that the whole picture in the puzzle can be seen with clarity and meaning.

Encourage empathy and self-understanding through reflective dialogues about how others feel, and your child’s own intentions, desires, and beliefs.

When we direct our attention in a new way, we are actually creating a new experience that can change both the activity and ultimately the structure of the brain itself.

Integration takes the distinct parts of your brain and helps them work together as a whole.

By focusing on your breath, you can at least begin to get back to the hub of your mind.

The moments you are just trying to survive are actually opportunities to help your child thrive.

Simply by asking questions and encouraging recollection, you can help your kids remember and understand important events from the past.

Mirror neurons may allow us not only to imitate others’ behaviors, but actually to resonate with their feelings.

The kinds of relationships they experience will lay the groundwork for how they relate to others for the rest of their lives.

By making sense of your past you can free yourself from what might otherwise be a cross-generational legacy of pain and insecure attachment.

Help your kids use both the logical left brain and the emotional right brain as a team.

The brain is a social organ, made to be in relationship.

When we help our children name their pain and their fears, we help them tame them.

The more your kids think about what’s going on within themselves, the more they will develop the ability to understand and respond to what’s going on in the worlds within and around them.

To become a part of a well-functioning ‘we,’ a person needs also to remain an individual ‘me.

Every whole-brain strategy offers practical steps you can take right now to make your life as a family better and more manageable.

When big, right-brain emotions are raging out of control, help your kids tell the story about what’s upsetting them.

Connect first, then redirect.

When your child is upset, connect first emotionally, right brain to right brain. Then, once she is more in control and receptive, bring in the left-brain lessons and discipline.

You need to understand some basics about the young brain that you are helping to grow and develop.

When we undergo an experience, our brain cells—called neurons—become active, or 'fire.' The connections that result from firing lead to ‘rewiring’ in the brain.

When a child is upset, logic often won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’s emotional needs.

It’s crucial to keep in mind that no matter how nonsensical and frustrating our child’s feelings may seem to us, they are real and important to our child.

We understand that it’s generally a good idea to discuss misbehavior and its consequences after the child has calmed down, since moments of emotional flooding are not the best times for lessons to be learned.

By helping our kids connect left and right, we give them a better chance of avoiding the banks of chaos and rigidity, and of living in the flexible current of mental health and happiness.

Help your child become aware of and talk about her internal world. Ask questions that guide her toward noticing bodily sensations, mental images, feelings, and thoughts.

Feelings need to be recognized for what they are: temporary, changing conditions. They are states, not traits.

A good technique is to have them lie down and place a toy...on their stomach. Ask them to focus on the boat, watching it rise and fall as it rides the waves of breath.

When you notice that your mind is wandering and you’re thinking about something else or starting to worry, just go back to focusing on your breath.

When it comes to your children, you’re aiming a lot higher than mere survival.