The Arbinger Institute

Almost any behavior can be done either in the box or out of the box, so no mere behavior can get you out. You’re looking in the wrong place.

Self-deception obscures the truth about ourselves, corrupts our view of others and our circumstances, and inhibits our ability to make wise and helpful decisions.

What I need most when I’m in the box is to feel justified. Justification is what my box eats, as it were, in order to survive.

Self-Deception Distorts Reality

Self-deception is a core issue that distorts our perception of reality, leading us to inflate others' faults while minimizing our own. This concept is vividly illustrated when Bud fails to help Nancy and subsequently views her as lazy and inconsiderate to justify his inaction. As Bud explains, 'In self-betrayal, I’m making her out to be more lazy and inconsiderate than she really is. And that’s something I’m doing, not something she’s doing.' This highlights how our judgments of others can be tainted by our own internal conflicts and justifications.

In the box, every change I can think of is just a change in my style of being in the box.

The Box Metaphor

The book introduces the metaphor of being 'in the box' to describe a state of self-deception where we see others as objects rather than people. This perspective distorts our interactions and relationships. Lou's realization that he was 'in the box' towards his son and colleagues marks a turning point: 'I was in the box toward my wife and my kids.' Recognizing and addressing this mindset is crucial for forming genuine relationships and effective leadership.

Self-Betrayal and Justification

Self-betrayal occurs when we act against what we feel we should do for others, leading us to justify our actions by viewing others negatively. Bud's experience of ignoring his instinct to help his wife with their crying child exemplifies this. He begins to see her as lazy and inconsiderate, justifying his inaction. 'Having betrayed myself, we can imagine that I might’ve started to see my wife in that moment as lazy, inconsiderate, taking me for granted, insensitive.' This mechanism sustains self-betrayal by creating a narrative where we feel victimized and justified in our actions.

Impact on Leadership and Organizations

Self-deception and self-betrayal have profound impacts on leadership and organizational dynamics. Leaders who are self-deceived fail to see their contributions to problems, often blaming external factors or others. Bud explains, 'Self-deception — being in the box — is the problem I was talking about. Of all the problems in organizations, self-deception is the most common, and the most damaging.' This insight underscores the importance of addressing self-deception to build healthier, more productive workplace relationships.

Genuine Apologies and Building Trust

The book emphasizes the transformative power of sincere apologies and atonement in rebuilding trust. Lou's heartfelt apology to Kate and his tangible plan for change demonstrate this. Despite his past wrongdoings, Lou’s vulnerability and willingness to admit fault conveyed a genuine desire for change and reconciliation. 'That sight of you hunched over with that ladder is just too much to take. Let me help you put it down.' This moment underscores the importance of honest, heartfelt communication in mending broken relationships.

Focus on Relationships for Change

Building and nurturing relationships is crucial for encouraging positive change in others. Avi points out, 'I become an agent of change only to the degree that I begin to live to help things go right rather than simply to correct things that are going wrong.' This concept underlines the necessity to invest more effort in fostering relationships rather than focusing solely on fixing problems, which hardly ever helps when working with people.

Personal Accountability Starts with Leaders

Personal accountability within an organization starts with its leaders. The book emphasizes that leaders set the tone for the rest of the team by holding themselves accountable, which encourages a culture of responsibility-taking throughout the organization. 'What our experience tells us, and what we try to communicate in this book, is that in order to move from merely dreaming about a culture of responsibility-taking and accountability to actually experiencing it, the accountability has to start with the leader.'

Identify and Challenge Your Justifications

Recognize when you are justifying negative perceptions or behaviors towards others. Ask yourself if these justifications are based on reality or your own need to feel justified.

Reflect on Past Self-Betrayals

Consider how past instances of self-betrayal may be influencing your current relationships and perspectives. Reflecting on these moments can help break the cycle of self-deception.

Communicate Without Blame

When addressing conflicts, focus on expressing your feelings and needs rather than blaming the other person. Blame invites defensiveness and perpetuates the cycle of self-deception.

Embrace Authentic Apologies

When you have wronged someone, offer a sincere apology and outline a specific plan to make amends. This helps rebuild trust and restore relationships.

Focus on Positive Reinforcement

Spend more time and effort building relationships and encouraging positive behaviors rather than merely correcting negative ones. This approach fosters a supportive environment that nurtures growth and development.

Self-deception actually determines one’s experience in every aspect of life.

In self-betrayal, I’m making her out to be more lazy and inconsiderate than she really is. And that’s something I’m doing, not something she’s doing.

Over time, certain boxes become characteristic of me, and I carry them with me.

So simply by being in the box, I provoke in others the very behavior I say I hate in them. And they then provoke in me the very behavior they say they hate in me.

Trying to change others doesn’t work.

By refusing to look for justification for her relatively little mistake, she invited me to take responsibility for my own major one.

I become an agent of change only to the degree that I begin to live to help things go right rather than simply to correct things that are going wrong.

If you are going to invite change in him, there is something that first must change in you.

Always following through with the urge to help others can help overcome self-deception. The only way we can slip out of the habit of self-deception is to notice when we can help others and follow through with selfless acts.

Seeking validation of our viewpoint is toxic. Our distorted version of self will never be an accurate portrayal of who we are, and expecting others to see and applaud us for who we think we are is unrealistic and will only hurt us.

Dislike for others shows through our actions, not just our words. You do not have to tell someone you dislike them for them to know. Our actions, even if veiled by pleasantries, can show our true feelings.

We look for validation in amplifying the downfalls of others and our success of ourselves. Self-deception makes us think of ourselves as the hero of every story, always looking for more ways to make our successes seem more significant.

We often treat others as if they are less important than ourselves. If Sometimes our sense of self-importance prevents us from seeing others as equals, prioritizing our needs over theirs.

If you want to eliminate self-deception and reach your full potential, commit to always acting on the instinct to help other people in need.

Self-deception makes you think that the needs of other people aren’t important, which, in turn, makes you treat them like objects.

The way you get into a box, or become trapped by self-deception, in the first place is by betraying yourself. You betray yourself when you choose not to do what you know you should do or actually want to do—for instance, not holding an elevator for someone, or feeling that you should apologize to someone but not doing so.

A company can’t solve problems that are getting in the way of results if the people causing those problems are in the box, or unable to see how they’re responsible.

You’re in a state of self-deception when you know or want to do the right thing but don’t do it. By not acting, you betray yourself, then feel guilty or frustrated by your behavior. To justify it, you blame the other person for causing a problem. You’re deceiving yourself about your behavior and motivations.

No matter what we do on the outside, people respond to how we feel on the inside

“The bigger problem was that I couldn’t see that I had a problem.”

If I (Bud) betray myself, my thoughts and feelings will begin to tell me that I’m justified in whatever I’m doing or failing to do.”

One way, I experience myself as a person among people. The other way, I experience myself as a person among objects.

Almost any behavior can be done either in the box or out of the box, so no mere behavior can get you out. You’re looking in the wrong place.

Self-deception obscures the truth about ourselves, corrupts our view of others and our circumstances, and inhibits our ability to make wise and helpful decisions.

What I need most when I’m in the box is to feel justified. Justification is what my box eats, as it were, in order to survive.

In the box, every change I can think of is just a change in my style of being in the box.

Self-deception actually determines one’s experience in every aspect of life.

In self-betrayal, I’m making her out to be more lazy and inconsiderate than she really is. And that’s something I’m doing, not something she’s doing.

Over time, certain boxes become characteristic of me, and I carry them with me.

So simply by being in the box, I provoke in others the very behavior I say I hate in them. And they then provoke in me the very behavior they say they hate in me.

Trying to change others doesn’t work.

By refusing to look for justification for her relatively little mistake, she invited me to take responsibility for my own major one.

I become an agent of change only to the degree that I begin to live to help things go right rather than simply to correct things that are going wrong.

If you are going to invite change in him, there is something that first must change in you.