Alice Miller

Only a child needs (and absolutely needs) unconditional love. We must give it to the children who are entrusted to us. We must be able to love and accept them whatever they do, not only when they smile charmingly but also when they cry and scream.

It is not only the “beautiful,” “good,” and pleasant feelings that make us really alive, deepen our existence, and give us crucial insight, but often precisely the unacceptable and unadapted ones from which we would prefer to escape: helplessness, shame, envy, jealousy, confusion, rage, and grief.

It is not the task of the therapist to “socialize” her, or to “raise her consciousness” (not even politically, for every form of indoctrination denies her autonomy), or to “make friendships possible for her.” All that is her own affair.

The Emotional Discovery of Childhood Truth

Alice Miller emphasizes the importance of uncovering the emotional truths of our childhood to combat mental illness. She argues that many people live in a state of illusion, avoiding the painful realities of their past. This avoidance leads to grave illnesses and emotional disturbances. Miller states, 'In order to become whole we must try, in a long process, to discover our own personal truth, a truth that may cause pain before giving us a new sphere of freedom.' By confronting and understanding these repressed memories and emotions, individuals can transform from unaware victims of their past into responsible, self-aware adults.

The Interplay of Depression and Grandiosity

Miller explores the intricate relationship between depression and grandiosity, emphasizing how these two states often coexist and influence each other. She explains that depression can surface when grandiosity breaks down due to factors like aging, sickness, or loss of external validation. For instance, an unmarried woman who relied on external approval for her attractiveness faces despair as she ages and loses this validation. Miller states, 'Depression leads him close to his wounds, but only mourning for what he has missed, missed at the crucial time, can lead to real healing.' This highlights the necessity of confronting and mourning past traumas to achieve genuine healing.

The False Self and Its Consequences

Miller delves into the concept of the 'False self,' a persona developed to meet external expectations and gain approval, often at the cost of one's True self. This False self is characterized by perfectionism, a fragile self-esteem, and a denial of one's True feelings. For example, an actor may feel a sense of almightiness during a successful performance but wake up the next day feeling empty and futile if his happiness was rooted in the need for external validation rather than genuine creative expression. Miller asserts, 'A False self that has led to the loss of the potential True self' is a common ground between grandiosity and depression. This underscores the importance of recognizing and dismantling the False self to reconnect with one's True self.

The Cycle of Humiliation and Power

Miller delves into the cyclical nature of humiliation and power dynamics between parents and children. She explains that parents often unconsciously project their unresolved childhood suffering onto their children. This projection manifests as contempt and the exercise of power, which perpetuates a cycle of humiliation. For instance, a parent might deny a child's simple wish, not out of necessity, but to assert their 'grown-upness' and avenge their own past humiliations. Miller states, 'We become free of them only when we can fully feel and acknowledge the suffering they inflicted on us.' This cycle continues until individuals become aware of their own childhood suffering and consciously work to break the pattern.

Seek Professional Help

Engage with a therapist who can guide you through the process of uncovering and understanding your childhood traumas. A professional can provide the necessary support and tools to navigate this challenging journey.

Create a Supportive Environment

Surround yourself with people who respect and understand your emotional needs. Building a supportive network can help you feel safe and validated as you explore your past and work towards emotional healing.

Embrace the Full Range of Emotions

Allow yourself to experience the full spectrum of human emotions, including those that are painful or uncomfortable. Understanding and accepting these emotions can lead to greater self-awareness and emotional freedom.

Develop Genuine Self-Respect

Strive to respect and accept yourself as you truly are, beyond your achievements. This involves embracing your True identity and needs, rather than conforming to external expectations or hiding your gifts.

In order to become whole we must try, in a long process, to discover our own personal truth, a truth that may cause pain before giving us a new sphere of freedom.

The repression of brutal abuse experienced during childhood drives many people to destroy their lives and the lives of others.

Parents who did not experience this climate as children are themselves deprived; throughout their lives they will continue to look for what their own parents could not give them.

One can only remember what has been consciously experienced.

Only after painfully experiencing and accepting our own truth can we be free from the hope that we might still find an understanding, empathic 'parent'—perhaps in a patient.

For one is free from it only when self-esteem is based on the authenticity of one's own feelings and not on the possession of certain qualities.

Depression leads him close to his wounds, but only mourning for what he has missed, missed at the crucial time, can lead to real healing.

A False self that has led to the loss of the potential True self.

Depression consists of a denial of one’s own emotional reactions.

We cannot really love if we are forbidden to know our truth, the truth about our parents and caregivers as well as about ourselves.

The True opposite of depression is neither gaiety nor absence of pain, but vitality—the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings.

Our access to the True self is possible only when we no longer have to be afraid of the intense emotional world of early childhood.

Until we become sensitized to the small child’s suffering, this wielding of power by adults will continue to be regarded as a normal aspect of the human condition.

The child has a primary need from the very beginning of her life to be regarded and respected as the person she really is at any given time.

If Bob had been able as a child to express his disappointment with his mother—to experience his rage and anger—he could have stayed fully alive. But that would have led to the loss of his mother’s love, and that, for a child, can mean the same as death.

The difficulties inherent in experiencing and developing one’s own emotions lead to mutual dependency, which prevents individuation.

True autonomy is preceded by the experience of being dependent. True liberation can be found only beyond the deep ambivalence of infantile dependence.

Every child has a legitimate need to be noticed, understood, taken seriously, and respected by his mother.

The automatic, natural contact with his own emotions and needs gives an individual strength and self-esteem.

If a woman is to give her child what he will need throughout his life, it is absolutely fundamental that she not be separated from her newborn, for the hormones that foster and nourish her motherly instinct are released immediately after birth and continue in the following days and weeks as she grows more familiar with her baby.

The bonding (through skin and eye contact) between mother and baby after birth stimulates in both of them the feeling that they belong together, a feeling of oneness that ideally has been growing from the time of conception.

The crucial significance of bonding has only recently been proved scientifically.

As adults we don’t need unconditional love, not even from our therapists. This is a childhood need, one that can never be fulfilled later in life, and we are playing with illusions if we have never mourned this lost opportunity.

The true opposite of depression is neither gaiety nor absence of pain, but vitality—the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings.

The strength within ourselves—through access to our own real needs and feelings and the possibility of expressing them—is crucially important for us if we want to live without depression and addiction.

It was not the beautiful or pleasant feelings that gave me new insight, but the ones against which I had fought most strongly: feelings that made me experience myself as shabby, petty, mean, helpless, humiliated, demanding, resentful, or confused; and, above all, sad and lonely.

Disregard for those who are smaller and weaker is thus the best defense against a breakthrough of one’s own feelings of helplessness: it is an expression of this split-off weakness.

The suffering that was not consciously felt as a child can be avoided by delegating it to one’s own children.

It is absolutely urgent that people become aware of the degree to which this disrespect of children is persistently transmitted from one generation to the next, perpetuating destructive behavior.

Our feelings will always reveal the true story, which no one else knows and which only we can discover.

Many people suffer all their lives from this oppressive feeling of guilt, the sense of not having lived up to their parents’ expectations.

What is unconscious cannot be abolished by proclamation or prohibition. One can, however, develop sensitivity toward recognizing it and begin to experience it consciously, and thus eventually gain control over it.

A mother cannot truly respect her child as long as she does not realize what deep shame she causes him with an ironic remark, intended only to cover her own uncertainty.

Knowledge of theory is essential, but knowledge of the theory must not have a defensive function: It must not become the successor of a strict, controlling mother, forcing the therapist to accommodate himself to it.

Every child forms his first image of what is “bad” quite concretely, by what is forbidden—by his parents’ prohibitions, taboos, and fears.

As an adult, he can discover the causes and free himself from this unconscious reaction.

Often a child’s very gifts (his great intensity of feeling, depth of experience, curiosity, intelligence, quickness—and his ability to be critical) will confront his parents with conflicts that they have long sought to keep at bay by means of rules and regulations.

Contempt as a rule will cease with the beginning of mourning for the irreversible that cannot be changed, for contempt, too, has in its own way served to deny the reality of the past.

It greatly aids the success of the therapeutic work when we become aware of our parents’ destructive patterns at work within us.

When the patient has emotionally worked through the history of her childhood and has thus regained her sense of being alive, the goal of therapy has been reached.

A person who has matured through her own experience cannot be tricked with fascinating, incomprehensible words.

Repressed emotion can be resolved as soon as it is felt, understood, and recognized as legitimate.

We become free of them only when we can fully feel and acknowledge the suffering they inflicted on us.

The Impact of Repressed Childhood Pain

Miller discusses how repressed childhood pain can manifest in various destructive behaviors in adulthood. She provides examples of individuals who, unable to confront their past traumas, engage in acts of violence, self-harm, or seek constant thrills to avoid feeling their deep-seated pain. For instance, she describes women who engage in sadomasochistic practices or substance abuse to escape their repressed childhood realities. Miller explains, 'The repression of brutal abuse experienced during childhood drives many people to destroy their lives and the lives of others.' This repression not only affects the individual but also perpetuates societal taboos and unhealthy behaviors.

The Role of Parents in Emotional Development

Miller highlights the crucial role parents play in the emotional development of their children. She explains that children have a primary need to be regarded and respected as they truly are. However, parents who are emotionally insecure or have unresolved issues often project their needs onto their children, leading to the child's emotional repression. Miller states, 'Parents who did not experience this climate as children are themselves deprived; throughout their lives they will continue to look for what their own parents could not give them.' This dynamic creates a cycle where the child, in an effort to secure love and approval, suppresses their True emotions and needs, leading to a False self and emotional disturbances in adulthood.

The Paradox of Achievement and Isolation

Miller explores the paradoxical relationship between achievement and isolation through the character of John. John’s dreams reveal his deep-seated need for love and acceptance beyond his intellectual accomplishments. Despite his intelligence, John feels isolated and lonely, a sentiment exacerbated by his parents' contradictory attitudes. They push him towards high achievement but simultaneously belittle his intellectual pursuits, making him feel guilty and misunderstood. This dynamic forces John to hide his True self and his gifts, leading to a profound sense of isolation. Miller writes, 'There was no way for me to be True to myself, to respect me as I really was.' This highlights the emotional toll of being unable to express one's True identity and the loneliness that accompanies high achievement when it is not met with genuine understanding and acceptance.

Confront and Acknowledge Repressed Emotions

Begin the journey of self-discovery by acknowledging and confronting repressed emotions from childhood. This can be done through therapy, journaling, or other reflective practices. Understanding and feeling these emotions is the first step towards healing.

Recognize and Challenge Internalized Pressures

Identify the unrealistic expectations and pressures you have internalized from your parents or other authority figures. Challenge these beliefs and set more realistic and self-compassionate standards for yourself.

Revenge taken on substitute persons in the present can never satisfy the desire for it felt as a child.

Shedding her illusions actually restored her strength and finally enabled her to admit the truth she had been repressing all this time.

The more horrible her present life became... the less able she was to give up hoping that her love would change this man or that the next one would be her longed-for rescuer.

The release of her genuine feelings was not compatible with the continuation of her profession.

Once it becomes clear to him that he has been clinging to the smiling masks of others, he realizes the extent of his loneliness.

What kind of Paradise is it in which it is forbidden—under threat of loss of love and of abandonment, of feeling guilty and ashamed—to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, i.e., to ask questions and seek answers to them?

The Role of 'Poisonous Pedagogy' in Society

Miller introduces the concept of 'poisonous pedagogy,' a child-rearing approach that suppresses a child's authentic emotions and enforces obedience and guilt. She argues that this pedagogy not only shapes individuals but also infiltrates psychoanalysis and society at large, leading to a populace easily manipulated by authority figures. The biblical story of King Herod and the massacre of innocents serves as a metaphor for society's fear of children's vitality and authenticity. 'The Church’s struggle… against children’s vitality is renewed daily by training them to be blindly obedient to those in authority and to think of themselves as wicked.'

The Importance of Confronting Childhood Trauma in Therapy

Miller emphasizes that true healing in psychoanalysis requires confronting and reliving the emotional wounds of childhood, rather than adhering to rigid theories that absolve parents of responsibility. She contrasts successful cases where patients processed their rage and grief with failures where therapists minimized childhood traumas. The story of Marie Cardinal, who successfully processed her emotions, exemplifies the potential for healing when trauma is confronted. 'It is essential for us to perceive the unintentional persecution of children by their parents, sanctioned by society and called child-rearing, if our patients are to be freed from the feeling imposed on them from an early age that they are to blame for their parents’ suffering.'

The Analyst as an Advocate for the Inner Child

Miller critiques traditional psychoanalytic approaches that unconsciously align with parental perspectives and instead advocates for analysts to identify with the suffering child within the patient. By doing so, analysts can help patients articulate repressed emotions and confront the reality of their early experiences. The case of Peter, a young analyst who validated a patient's experience of being raped during World War II, illustrates the transformative power of this approach. 'I distance myself... from an unconscious identification with the parent or pedagogue and consciously identify with the mute child in the patient.'

The Impact of Repression on Creativity and Dreams

Miller explores how unresolved childhood trauma influences creativity and dreams, arguing that these are often unconscious expressions of repressed emotions. She uses Franz Kafka's works as examples, suggesting that his stories reflect his childhood experiences of isolation and emotional neglect. Kafka's 'The Trial' and 'The Castle' mirror his feelings of powerlessness and longing for connection. 'The fantasies then find a home in fairy tales, sagas, and myths, where the whole truth about human cruelty, as only a child can experience it, finds expression.'

The Intergenerational Transmission of Trauma

Miller discusses how unprocessed trauma and silence from one generation can deeply affect the next, often manifesting in psychosomatic illnesses or neurotic behaviors. She uses the example of children of Holocaust survivors, who inherit their parents' unresolved guilt and pain, to illustrate this transmission. This silent passing of trauma perpetuates a cycle of repression and emotional alienation. 'The parents unconsciously passed their unmastered personal history on to their child at a tender age, often simply by way of glances.'

The Cycle of Childhood Trauma and Denial

Alice Miller argues that the cycle of childhood trauma is perpetuated by societal denial and the suppression of painful truths. She emphasizes that adults who mistreat children often do so because they themselves were victims of similar abuse, creating a vicious cycle. This denial is deeply ingrained in societal norms and psychoanalytic traditions, which often dismiss or minimize the impact of childhood abuse. Miller critiques this tendency, stating, 'The commandment that says ‘Thou shalt not be aware of what was done to thee, nor of what thou doest to others’ ensures that cruelty suffered in childhood is played down or modified by memory until it becomes unrecognizable.' The book uses examples like the story of the Wolf-Man to illustrate how unresolved childhood trauma manifests in destructive behaviors, highlighting the need for societal acknowledgment and intervention to break this cycle.

The Role of Psychoanalysis in Perpetuating Denial

Miller critiques classical psychoanalysis for its failure to confront the reality of childhood trauma, arguing that it often acts as a barrier to healing. She asserts that psychoanalytic theories focus on drive conflicts and fantasies, thereby reinforcing the denial of childhood trauma. Miller contrasts two approaches: one that unconsciously aligns with the parents and their methods of upbringing, and another that consciously identifies with the suffering child. She writes, 'If the analyst focuses upon the early trauma and is no longer compelled to defend the position of the parents... events of early childhood will open up before us.' This shift in perspective is crucial for uncovering and addressing the hidden wounds of childhood, as illustrated by the case of Anita, who found liberation through confronting her repressed memories.

The Impact of 'Poisonous Pedagogy' on Society

Miller introduces the concept of 'poisonous pedagogy,' a child-rearing approach that suppresses a child's authentic emotions and enforces obedience and guilt. She argues that this pedagogy not only shapes the individual but also infiltrates psychoanalysis and society at large. Miller writes, 'For those narcissistic traumas—humiliation, rejection, mistreatment—inflicted on the child and traditionally considered a normal part of child-rearing are not touched upon and thus cannot be experienced by the patient.' This suppression of early trauma prevents patients from fully processing their emotions, perpetuating a cycle of guilt and repression. The societal implications are profound, as this conditioning fosters a populace that is easily manipulated by authority figures, unable to critically assess manipulative rhetoric or ideologies.

The Importance of Empathy in Healing

Miller emphasizes the transformative power of empathy in therapy, contrasting it with the dismissive and manipulative practices she critiques. She shares the story of a young analyst, Peter, who defied his training to validate a patient’s experience of being raped during World War II. By acknowledging her trauma and creating a safe space for her to process her emotions, Peter helped the patient overcome her depression. Miller argues that true healing requires therapists to set aside theoretical dogmas and engage with their patients’ lived realities, stating, 'The child seeks adults’ love because he cannot live without it; he meets all their demands to the extent that he is able—for the sake of survival.' This approach fosters genuine connection and healing.

The Misinterpretation of Trauma in Psychoanalysis

Miller critiques the traditional psychoanalytic approach that often dismisses or misinterprets the reality of childhood trauma. She highlights how therapists, influenced by outdated theories like Freud's drive theory, frequently attribute patients' symptoms to internal fantasies or desires rather than acknowledging the external abuse they endured. For instance, Miller discusses a case where a therapist dismissed a young woman’s accounts of sexual abuse by her mother and others, relying instead on a gynecological report to label her claims as paranoid projections. Miller argues, 'If we become practiced in overlooking the sexual abuse that actually took place, we will call our patients’ complaints excessive and abandon them to their trauma.' This approach not only invalidates the patient’s experiences but also perpetuates their suffering by failing to address the root cause of their symptoms.

The Role of Repetition Compulsion in Adult Behavior

Miller explores the concept of repetition compulsion, where individuals unconsciously reenact unresolved childhood traumas in their adult relationships. She illustrates this through the case of a woman who transferred her unresolved anger toward her father onto her relationships with men. The patient’s father, a weak and insecure man, alternated between affection and cruelty, using his daughter as an outlet for his frustrations. This dynamic left the patient with a deep-seated need to expose and punish male weakness, which she reenacted in her adult relationships. Miller emphasizes that healing occurs when the patient confronts and processes these childhood experiences, as seen when the woman, through analysis, was able to understand her father’s vulnerabilities and let go of her need for revenge. Miller concludes, 'Revenge taken on substitute persons in the present can never satisfy the desire for it felt as a child.'

She sighs, and puts him gently in his crib... She has declared war upon him. Her will must prevail over his.

I distance myself... from an unconscious identification with the parent or pedagogue and consciously identify with the mute child in the patient.

Only when we realize how powerless a child is in the face of parental expectations... will we grasp the cruelty of parents’ threats to withdraw their love if the child fails to meet these impossible demands.

The patient will be fair of his own accord as soon as he is able, as soon as he has experienced fully his childhood resentment and overcome it.

The Influence of Childhood Experiences on Creativity

Miller explores how unresolved childhood traumas and repressed emotions often find expression in artistic creativity. She argues that the unconscious mind serves as a reservoir for artistic expression, particularly for writers like Flaubert, Beckett, and Kafka. For instance, Miller notes that Kafka’s works, such as *The Trial* and *The Castle*, reflect his inner turmoil and feelings of powerlessness, guilt, and isolation, stemming from his childhood experiences. She writes, 'It is this rift, the dissociation of feelings from those who caused them, along with the preservation of their content in a fantasy world, that shapes an artist’s work.' This dissociation allows artists to channel their pain into creative endeavors, but it also perpetuates their neuroses, as the underlying issues remain unresolved.

Acknowledge and Confront Childhood Trauma

Reflect on your own upbringing and identify patterns of behavior or emotional responses that may stem from unresolved childhood experiences. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking the cycle of denial and healing.

Listen to Unconscious Messages in Behavior

Pay attention to recurring behaviors or emotional reactions in yourself or others. Instead of dismissing them as irrational or problematic, consider what they might reveal about past experiences or unmet needs.

Adopt a Child-Centered Perspective in Relationships

Whether as a parent, therapist, or friend, strive to empathize with the inner child of those you interact with. Avoid defending harmful behaviors or traditions and instead focus on understanding and addressing the underlying pain.

Challenge Societal Norms of Parenting and Authority

Question traditional child-rearing practices or societal norms that prioritize obedience over emotional authenticity. Advocate for approaches that validate children's feelings and foster open communication.

Cultivate Emotional Awareness to Resist Manipulation

Develop your ability to recognize and process emotions, both in yourself and others. This skill can help you critically assess manipulative rhetoric, whether in personal relationships or societal contexts, and make more informed decisions.

The Cycle of Childhood Trauma and Denial

Alice Miller argues that the cycle of childhood trauma is perpetuated by societal denial and the suppression of painful truths. She critiques psychoanalytic traditions for dismissing reports of abuse as fantasies, which further entrenches the cycle. Miller illustrates this with the example of Freud's shift from acknowledging real abuse to labeling it as 'childhood fantasies,' which she sees as a societal mechanism to avoid confronting the reality of child victimization. This denial not only harms individuals but also contributes to broader societal issues like violence and crime. 'The commandment that says ‘Thou shalt not be aware of what was done to thee, nor of what thou doest to others’ ensures that cruelty suffered in childhood is played down or modified by memory until it becomes unrecognizable.'

The commandment that says ‘Thou shalt not be aware of what was done to thee, nor of what thou doest to others’ ensures that cruelty suffered in childhood is played down or modified by memory until it becomes unrecognizable.

If the analyst focuses upon the early trauma and is no longer compelled to defend the position of the parents... events of early childhood will open up before us.

What is involved here is an essential, often dramatic, unconscious message about the early childhood situation.

For those narcissistic traumas—humiliation, rejection, mistreatment—inflicted on the child and traditionally considered a normal part of child-rearing are not touched upon and thus cannot be experienced by the patient.

It is essential for us to perceive the unintentional persecution of children by their parents, sanctioned by society and called child-rearing, if our patients are to be freed from the feeling imposed on them from an early age that they are to blame for their parents’ suffering.

Our whole system of raising and educating children provides the power-hungry with a ready-made railway network they can use to reach the destination of their choice.

If we become practiced in overlooking the sexual abuse that actually took place, we will call our patients’ complaints excessive and abandon them to their trauma.

What must life be like for a person who has been tricked into relinquishing his last chance for self-articulation?

The child seeks adults’ love because he cannot live without it; he meets all their demands to the extent that he is able—for the sake of survival.

By the time he is taken to his mother’s home... he is well versed in the character of life. On a preconscious plane... he knows life to be unspeakably lonely, unresponsive to his signals, and full of pain.

The Power of Breaking the Silence on Abuse

Miller highlights the transformative power of breaking the silence surrounding childhood sexual abuse. Women who have shared their experiences have found personal relief and helped others recognize they are not alone. This collective candor has exposed the societal 'cancer' of child victimization. The narrative of women speaking out about their experiences underscores the importance of societal acknowledgment and support for healing. 'It has been a great relief for countless women readers to be able to speak out about their own experiences, no longer to feel condemned to silence, to know they are not alone with their fate and are not themselves to blame for what happened.'

Seek Empathetic Support in Therapy

When seeking therapy, look for a practitioner who prioritizes understanding your childhood experiences and acts as an advocate for your inner child. This approach can help you uncover and process repressed emotions.

Use Creativity to Process Emotions

Channel unresolved emotions and experiences into creative outlets, such as writing, art, or music. Creativity can serve as a powerful tool for self-expression and emotional healing, even if it doesn't fully resolve inner conflicts.

Only a child needs (and absolutely needs) unconditional love. We must give it to the children who are entrusted to us. We must be able to love and accept them whatever they do, not only when they smile charmingly but also when they cry and scream.

It is not only the “beautiful,” “good,” and pleasant feelings that make us really alive, deepen our existence, and give us crucial insight, but often precisely the unacceptable and unadapted ones from which we would prefer to escape: helplessness, shame, envy, jealousy, confusion, rage, and grief.

It is not the task of the therapist to “socialize” her, or to “raise her consciousness” (not even politically, for every form of indoctrination denies her autonomy), or to “make friendships possible for her.” All that is her own affair.

In order to become whole we must try, in a long process, to discover our own personal truth, a truth that may cause pain before giving us a new sphere of freedom.

The repression of brutal abuse experienced during childhood drives many people to destroy their lives and the lives of others.

Parents who did not experience this climate as children are themselves deprived; throughout their lives they will continue to look for what their own parents could not give them.

One can only remember what has been consciously experienced.

Only after painfully experiencing and accepting our own truth can we be free from the hope that we might still find an understanding, empathic 'parent'—perhaps in a patient.

For one is free from it only when self-esteem is based on the authenticity of one's own feelings and not on the possession of certain qualities.

Depression leads him close to his wounds, but only mourning for what he has missed, missed at the crucial time, can lead to real healing.

A False self that has led to the loss of the potential True self.

Depression consists of a denial of one’s own emotional reactions.

We cannot really love if we are forbidden to know our truth, the truth about our parents and caregivers as well as about ourselves.

The True opposite of depression is neither gaiety nor absence of pain, but vitality—the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings.

Our access to the True self is possible only when we no longer have to be afraid of the intense emotional world of early childhood.

Until we become sensitized to the small child’s suffering, this wielding of power by adults will continue to be regarded as a normal aspect of the human condition.

For one is free from it only when self-esteem is based on the authenticity of ones own feelings and not on the possession of certain qualities.

The grandiose person is never really free; first, because he is excessively dependent on admiration from others, and second, because his self-respect is dependent on qualities, functions, and achievements that can suddenly fail.

The child has a primary need from the very beginning of her life to be regarded and respected as the person she really is at any given time.

If Bob had been able as a child to express his disappointment with his mother—to experience his rage and anger—he could have stayed fully alive. But that would have led to the loss of his mother’s love, and that, for a child, can mean the same as death.

The difficulties inherent in experiencing and developing one’s own emotions lead to mutual dependency, which prevents individuation.

True autonomy is preceded by the experience of being dependent. True liberation can be found only beyond the deep ambivalence of infantile dependence.

Every child has a legitimate need to be noticed, understood, taken seriously, and respected by his mother.

The automatic, natural contact with his own emotions and needs gives an individual strength and self-esteem.

If a woman is to give her child what he will need throughout his life, it is absolutely fundamental that she not be separated from her newborn, for the hormones that foster and nourish her motherly instinct are released immediately after birth and continue in the following days and weeks as she grows more familiar with her baby.

The bonding (through skin and eye contact) between mother and baby after birth stimulates in both of them the feeling that they belong together, a feeling of oneness that ideally has been growing from the time of conception.

The crucial significance of bonding has only recently been proved scientifically.

As adults we don’t need unconditional love, not even from our therapists. This is a childhood need, one that can never be fulfilled later in life, and we are playing with illusions if we have never mourned this lost opportunity.

The true opposite of depression is neither gaiety nor absence of pain, but vitality—the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings.

The strength within ourselves—through access to our own real needs and feelings and the possibility of expressing them—is crucially important for us if we want to live without depression and addiction.

It was not the beautiful or pleasant feelings that gave me new insight, but the ones against which I had fought most strongly: feelings that made me experience myself as shabby, petty, mean, helpless, humiliated, demanding, resentful, or confused; and, above all, sad and lonely.

Disregard for those who are smaller and weaker is thus the best defense against a breakthrough of one’s own feelings of helplessness: it is an expression of this split-off weakness.

The suffering that was not consciously felt as a child can be avoided by delegating it to one’s own children.

It is absolutely urgent that people become aware of the degree to which this disrespect of children is persistently transmitted from one generation to the next, perpetuating destructive behavior.

Our feelings will always reveal the true story, which no one else knows and which only we can discover.

Many people suffer all their lives from this oppressive feeling of guilt, the sense of not having lived up to their parents’ expectations.

What is unconscious cannot be abolished by proclamation or prohibition. One can, however, develop sensitivity toward recognizing it and begin to experience it consciously, and thus eventually gain control over it.

A mother cannot truly respect her child as long as she does not realize what deep shame she causes him with an ironic remark, intended only to cover her own uncertainty.

Knowledge of theory is essential, but knowledge of the theory must not have a defensive function: It must not become the successor of a strict, controlling mother, forcing the therapist to accommodate himself to it.

Every child forms his first image of what is “bad” quite concretely, by what is forbidden—by his parents’ prohibitions, taboos, and fears.

As an adult, he can discover the causes and free himself from this unconscious reaction.

Often a child’s very gifts (his great intensity of feeling, depth of experience, curiosity, intelligence, quickness—and his ability to be critical) will confront his parents with conflicts that they have long sought to keep at bay by means of rules and regulations.

Contempt as a rule will cease with the beginning of mourning for the irreversible that cannot be changed, for contempt, too, has in its own way served to deny the reality of the past.

It greatly aids the success of the therapeutic work when we become aware of our parents’ destructive patterns at work within us.

When the patient has emotionally worked through the history of her childhood and has thus regained her sense of being alive, the goal of therapy has been reached.

A person who has matured through her own experience cannot be tricked with fascinating, incomprehensible words.

Repressed emotion can be resolved as soon as it is felt, understood, and recognized as legitimate.

We become free of them only when we can fully feel and acknowledge the suffering they inflicted on us.

Revenge taken on substitute persons in the present can never satisfy the desire for it felt as a child.

Shedding her illusions actually restored her strength and finally enabled her to admit the truth she had been repressing all this time.

The more horrible her present life became... the less able she was to give up hoping that her love would change this man or that the next one would be her longed-for rescuer.

The release of her genuine feelings was not compatible with the continuation of her profession.

Once it becomes clear to him that he has been clinging to the smiling masks of others, he realizes the extent of his loneliness.

What kind of Paradise is it in which it is forbidden—under threat of loss of love and of abandonment, of feeling guilty and ashamed—to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, i.e., to ask questions and seek answers to them?

She sighs, and puts him gently in his crib... She has declared war upon him. Her will must prevail over his.

I distance myself... from an unconscious identification with the parent or pedagogue and consciously identify with the mute child in the patient.

Only when we realize how powerless a child is in the face of parental expectations... will we grasp the cruelty of parents’ threats to withdraw their love if the child fails to meet these impossible demands.

The patient will be fair of his own accord as soon as he is able, as soon as he has experienced fully his childhood resentment and overcome it.

The commandment that says ‘Thou shalt not be aware of what was done to thee, nor of what thou doest to others’ ensures that cruelty suffered in childhood is played down or modified by memory until it becomes unrecognizable.

If the analyst focuses upon the early trauma and is no longer compelled to defend the position of the parents... events of early childhood will open up before us.

What is involved here is an essential, often dramatic, unconscious message about the early childhood situation.

For those narcissistic traumas—humiliation, rejection, mistreatment—inflicted on the child and traditionally considered a normal part of child-rearing are not touched upon and thus cannot be experienced by the patient.

It is essential for us to perceive the unintentional persecution of children by their parents, sanctioned by society and called child-rearing, if our patients are to be freed from the feeling imposed on them from an early age that they are to blame for their parents’ suffering.

Our whole system of raising and educating children provides the power-hungry with a ready-made railway network they can use to reach the destination of their choice.

If we become practiced in overlooking the sexual abuse that actually took place, we will call our patients’ complaints excessive and abandon them to their trauma.

What must life be like for a person who has been tricked into relinquishing his last chance for self-articulation?

The child seeks adults’ love because he cannot live without it; he meets all their demands to the extent that he is able—for the sake of survival.

By the time he is taken to his mother’s home... he is well versed in the character of life. On a preconscious plane... he knows life to be unspeakably lonely, unresponsive to his signals, and full of pain.